Transfixed by the newfound wonders of his college environment, Rutgers engineering freshman Bailey Freeman reportedly acquired his very first male contraceptives from a vending machine in the Lynton Towers on Livingston campus.
After a passionate, sweaty round of “League of Legends” with his high school friends, Freeman told reporters he ventured downstairs to the first floor vending machines for “combat fuel”—his usual selection of Funyuns and Chex Mix. Upon discovering that the machine was vacant of his beloved onion flavored rings, Freeman began exploring alternatives, at which point he noticed a row of mysterious little white boxes at the very bottom of the machine.
“I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes,” said the freshman, visibly hyperventilating. “There they were, bottom row. Swedish Fish, Doublemint gum, Advil, then BOOM fuckin Lifestyles with spermicidal lube. Spermicidal lube! I saw that and was just like, ‘fuckin’ college, man,’ you know?”
Fully ready to leave his virgin loser past behind and enter the world of super hot college coed intercourse he read about on anime forums, Bailey slipped a few wrinkled bills into the machine.
“I heard Rutgers was one of the most sexually active campuses in the country, but selling condoms in vending machines? In a freshman dorm? That’s fuckin rad,” Freeman told reporters.
Witnesses told reporters that after purchasing the condoms, Bailey Freeman made eye contact with another student who was looking to use the vending machine, Danielle Sawyer, and immediately darted back to the elevators in a manner students could only describe as “Naruto-like”.
“Everybody knows girls won’t let you smash without a condom, my dad told me that,” explained Freeman, gleefully fondling the foil packets between his fingers. “These bad boys are my first class tickets to Poonsville, USA.”
Despite his enthusiasm, it’s not clear whether Bailey Freeman is currently in a relationship with a human partner, or if he has had any contact with the opposite sex, or for that matter, any sex, since arriving on campus.
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