Kerry Kapernickle, a Mason Gross School of the Arts sophomore has discovered a new “supplemental”, natural addition to her natural, locally brewed coffee from Hidden Grounds. Her dealer, who goes by “Narcotic Womyn” says that it’s “totally natural, and like, comes from the Earth and shit.”
Kapernickle first felt the need for this supplement when she found herself banging her head against the wall while waiting for WebReg to cooperate. “It was infuriating! And to make things worse, financial aid put extra charges on my term bill for this thing called ‘tuition?’ Who the fuck does that?!”
Kapernickle went to her regular cannabis dealer, Womyn, and asked them if they had any “good kush” to provide some relief from the unrelenting pressure that comes from being a Mason Gross School of the Arts student. Womyn said they did not (Womyn asked that we don’t assume gender), but offered her an alternative.
“I got this new thing, it’s really good for you,” said Womyn. Womyn called it “RU Feeling It Yet?”
“Womyn said it isn’t actually crack. It comes from this super indie production company, you probably haven’t heard of it but it’s called Woody’s. This dude takes me to the back, and provides people like me and Womyn with all kinds of natural supplements. It’s great,” Kapernickle said.
“It’s definitely crack,” said a narcotics officer. “I tried telling her it was crack, but she refuses to listen.”
We approached Womyn and asked for a comment, but they too were still waiting for WebReg to cooperate and could not answer.
“I never listen to the man, like, never. Especially Rutgers.” said Kapernickle, peering outside her window cautiously. “They just don’t want us to have this, like, piece of nature that’s like natural and totally rad. They’re watching you know. They’re watching us right now, like all the time dude. This dude named Crime Alert keeps emailing me! Keep your head down! BARCH IS EVERYWHERE!”
Kapernickle still praises “nature’s crack”, despite the fact that she has registered for three different sections of the same class and hasn’t slept for four days.
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