It’s the time of year to give thanks and show how appreciative we are. The specifics do not ultimately matter; all that is necessary is a general feeling of appreciation. Thank you grass for breaking the wind. Thank you dinosaurs for turning into the safest, most efficient fuel source. Thank you poor Asian children for assembling our iPads.
However, all of this thanks is pointed in the wrong direction; Rutgers is most deserving of our love. It is centered in the armpit of the USA: New Jersey. Rutgers is the most perfect-est university in the world.
With such alumni as Ray Rice, who is done beating women and now cultivating the young ones, Rutgers gives more than its fair share to its students. Maybe our Lard and Savory Crispy Christie is right that we are being too harsh about our Gridiron Gang; how can the Scarlet Knights perform well when five of Rutgers’ transferred to Iron Heights University with a full ride?
What about us peasants who are not athletically gifted ? Us poor souls who were forced to get an education? We still should be thankful to Rutgers. The copious amounts of crime prepares us for the backstabbing nature of post-grad life.
Rutgers’ Fiery Mix Tape:
The wondrous construction sites throughout the Rutgers campuses sing tunes of harmony every early morning to remind us of how our lives are a continuous process of improvement; coincidentally, they both never seem to progress.
The wonderful Rutgers bus system teaches us how we can’t rely on others. And especially, especially, taught us courtesy; oh how wonderful it is when our peers, usually Asian foreign exchange students (seriously, learn some courtesy), try to ram into the bus before letting others out. It clearly is a metaphor for our overconsumption and obesity epidemic onset by fat sandwiches and munchies.
With your craftily concocted RUScrew system, our 7-year undergraduate degrees makes us all doctors due to the huge amount of patience we all have. You treat us all like special individuals even though there are thousands of us, like sperm on the face of one of Slutgers’ finest.
Kenneth B. Coppin’ A Feel:
We all know you love us due to your investment into RUPD. We are always on their minds thanks to the little notes they leave on our cars.
How can we forget about the legendary Rutgers scenery that is filled with the evidence of last week’s party, vampire rehabilitation blood trucks, and the numerous frats who beg for more beer money.
Fucking Radical Amazing Team:
We have to give frats an extra pat on the back for the 30 girls to 1 guy ratio requirements. It’s weird how y’all decided to live among a bunch of other drunk horny dudes and demand women to be whisked right to your doorstep, with the occasional fetishized minority.
Oh Rutgers, you give us all scarlet fever every scarlet night. This college experience is one of a kind and one that you can get behind. Thanks for giving so much for the reasonable price of our sanity. Another raise in the tuition? Oh, that money has never been misused before! There is only one request: next time you fuck us up the ass, please use lube. Thanks.