Netflix Binge Results in Actual Series of Unfortunate Events
Pittsburgh man Robin Braddock recorded an astronomical Netflix binge which rendered him comatose and resulted in a series of similarly unfortunate events for himself. Known in some circles as a “Netflix Coma,” such a binge on the popular streaming site usually consists of staying in bed all day and only eating food ordered for delivery.
While Braddock swaddled himself like an infant in a Star Wars blanket and allowed a mountainous accumulation of crumbs and pizza crusts to amass on his bed, he watched every single episode of the new Netflix series A Series of Unfortunate Events, which premiered on the site this weekend. Fueled by nostalgia, laziness and a profound desire to forget about the inauguration Friday, Braddock allowed himself to forget about the outside world in a whole new way.
“Well, I didn’t get any of my work done this weekend. I have a few reports I need to write still that were due about twelve hours ago. It’s fine though, because I finally got to see my favorite book series brought to life on my laptop screen,” Braddock said when asked the results of his legendary binge.
Braddock’s boss, asking to remain anonymous, indicated that if Robin does not get his entry-level supply chain management work—which mostly consists of contacting shippers and teamsters about delivery dates — done by the end of the day Tuesday the 22-year-old assistant will be fired. Braddock seems unconcerned, citing that he has more concern for the Baudelaire children than his own employment status.
In addition to the loss of his job, Robin Braddock has been dumped by his long term girlfriend, Janice, who complained for days about his near abandonment of her for nearly the entirety of this past weekend. “He ignored all my texts, calls, Facebook messages and Tweets this weekend. I can’t be with someone who won’t respond to me for 72 hours just because some stupid show drops on Netflix. I’m getting back with my ex, even though he did the same thing when It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia appeared on Netflix for the first time.”
Robin Braddock also never showered over his entire weekend binge. “I may smell like a petting zoo, or a Martian invasion but I swear I’m just a regular guy!” reported Robin, in a fit of hungry rage. Grubhub has banned him, as no delivery service will drop off to him in the wake of his binge. Braddock assures us that this is not even the worst thing in the series of unfortunate events that has plagued him as a result of his Netflix binge.
Indeed, the most unfortunate event in Braddock’s life following his comatose binge is the continual plaguing of the Baudelaire children by the dubious Count Olaf. He’s even become paranoid in real life about mysterious strangers and even close relations stealing his fictitious family fortune through evil plots.
“You just never know when someone will try an evil plot on you, especially to steal your family fortune,” Braddock said in a moment of complete separation from reality.