Move Over HSP 333: Wine Tasting, HSP 999: Coke Snorting is Here

author-pic at DePaul University  

Picking fun classes to liven up the bleak and dismal two and a half months after winter break is essential if you want to avoid dissociating from life and descending into a deep, dark pit of self-hatred, despair and hopelessness. Many students 21-years-old or over take advantage of the wine tasting class, HSP 333 – International Wine Education & Management, offered by DePaul’s school of hospitality leadership. In this course, students are introduced to the best wine management practices, regional grape varieties and global wine-making styles that fuel the hospitality industry. In short, you get fucking lit on wine.  

However, many students have begun to expect more from classes like HSP 333 in order to pull themselves out of their month-long depressive episodes. In order to solve this pressing issue, DePaul has integrated HSP 999 – Global Cocaine Ingestion and Usage into its curriculum. This class informs DePaul students about the proper usage, distribution and management of benzoylmethylecgonine, as well as how to incorporate the substance into one’s own schedule and recreational experiences in a safe and productive manner. In short, students will snort coke and “go fucking bananas for 3 hours and 15 minutes on Tuesday nights” on the fifth floor of the DePaul Center.

Mark Roberts, a hospitality professor at DePaul, discussed his opinions on the functioning of the course after sitting in on a practice class last Tuesday. “I think it’s an interesting concept. Ya know? I love the idea of experimenting with different kinds of euphoric substa– wait, I’m sorry, but I have to tell you that I love your shirt. It’s such a cool shirt. I am totally in love with it. Do you ever feel your bones? Ya know, just like, feel them existing inside your legs and arms and body and head? I feel like my bones are so locked inside of me right now. It’s insane. Anyway, what was the question?”

He proceeded to sprint down Jackson Boulevard until he was completely out of eyesight. When asked for further commentary, Roberts declined all inquiries.

Cocaine was not the first subject brought up by DePaul faculty and staff to satisfy students’ requests for more entertaining and relaxing courses. Marijuana Studies, The Art of Screaming Into a Pillow, and Murder by Repetitive Stabbing were all candidates for this open course slot. Global Cocaine Ingestion and Usage was highly favored by the DePaul board due to its convenience. Apparently, a member of the hospitality staff has consistent access to large amounts of coke for an unbeatable deal. Sold out of Trump Tower, blocks of benzoylmethylecgonine can be purchased for the low, low price of one blowjob.

Students are comforted by the fact that another stress-relieving course has been added to the Vincentian curriculum. Maggie Harris, a senior at DePaul, sums up what many undergraduates and graduates alike are thinking about the new subject, “I CAN’T WAIT TO SNORT SOME COKE MOTHERFUCKERS! I’LL MAKE THAT CLASS MY BITCH!”

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