Talent Agent Discovers Frat Boy Prodigy During UI Sorority Serenades

author-pic at Iowa  

Each fall, young fraternity pledges serenade the sorority houses around campus, in hopes of impressing the ladies and their frat elders. Last weekend, a well-known undercover talent scout discovered a star in the form of UI freshman and Beta Upsilon Theta pledge, Rob Rolson.

Rolson and his brothers serenaded sororities with a rendition of “All you Need is Love,” performed instead as “All you Need is Lube.” Rolson’s “prepubescent choir boy vocals” allegedly stood out among his fellow frat members’ monotone mumblings, according to onlookers.

“It was something else,” talent scout Paulette Abduel, said with stars in her eyes. “He broke out singing ‘lube, lube, lube’ and the rest of the fraternity sang-talked, ‘There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.’ The rest of the performance was Rob’s and Rob’s alone; he was a soprano, a tenor, a bass, and everything in between, hitting the notes flawlessly up high and down low.”

Rolson also made a physical impression that Ms. Abduel and the Kappa women would never forget, ripping open his blazer to reveal a patch of six reddish chest hairs gathering just the right amount of sweat. Ms. Abdul agreed with the sorority women’s assessment of Rolson as a “snack.”

“After this performance, I think we can all agree that Robbie and his full chest of hair is a snack to say the least,” said Kappa sister Emily Anderson. “I hope he sticks around to do a rendition of ‘Sexy Back’.”

The talent scout continued to report that at one point in his performance, Rolson used a standing lamp as a stripper pole, and later he army-crawled across the floor. “The whole time his voice was perfect, heavenly, like David Archuleta and Michael Buble and Sanjaya had morphed into one human to perform a lubrication ballad,” she stated while wiping tears from her eyes.

After his performance of a lifetime, Ms. Abdul helped secure Rolson a five-year contract with prestigious recording label Atlantic Records. Rolson bid his family and friends “farewell, douchenuggets,” and has relocated to a penthouse in Manhattan. Ms. Abduel has returned to her Malibu home with fond memories of Iowa City and a “Fuck State!” lower back tattoo.