Man Excited to Start Great Job He’s Absolutely Not Qualified For

author-pic at University of Maryland  

Former fry cook, Rudiger “Rudy” Summit is excited after scoring a first-class position at a notorious company, Blemish Brewery.

“I’ve never minded flipping burgers or deep-frying mozzarella sticks,” Summit explained around a mouthful of deep-fried fries, “but when I saw Blemish was looking for a brewmaster after the old one died after being crushed by a bunch of hops, I knew in my greasy soul I had to have the job.”

Summit applied with his honest, yet meager, résumé and heard from the brewery very quickly. Summit does not hold any qualifications in brewing or distilling, but describes himself as an avid beer lover.

“That should be enough, right? I’ve drank a lot of beer in my life.” Summit said of his supposed lack of skills between burps. “It’ll be fun. I’ll bring my friends. It’ll be just like drinking beer on the patio.”

Summit plans on appointing a friend, John Simpson, to assist in brewing logistics at Blemish. Simpson had a lemonade stand in 3rd grade and has since felt he was destined for much more glamorous things.

“We’re gonna be the best brewers this place has ever seen.” Summit announced. “The previous guy, he really dropped the ball. Sad! I’m gonna run this place like the grill I used to be the lord of. I’m not gonna get crushed by a bunch of hops, that’s for sure!”

The fact that Summit got the coveted brewmaster position at Blemish left many perplexed and scratching their heads. After Summit bloviated to whomever would dare listen on his Twitter account, several people who had applied for the brewmaster position and were passed over for Summit weren’t afraid to speak up.

“What the hell?” questioned Sarah Remington indignantly. “I went through a metric ton of blood, sweat, and tears to get a diploma in Brewing Science and this asshat just cruises on by and steals my dream job from under my nose.”

Summit starts his new position at Blemish a week from Monday. He has already asked current brewers if it will be okay to munch on chicken nuggets in the packaging bay.