7 Signs of the Apocalypse That Will Happen at MSU During Inauguration Week
With our Supreme Leader coming into office Friday, January 20th, there’s bound to be many shenanigans going on around campus. Since the inauguration falls on a Friday, we thought it was pertinent to warn you of seven likely phenomena doomed for students both on and off campus.
7.) Revitalization of the Wells Hall Preacher:
This doesn’t mean that the Well’s Hall Preacher is going to have a new agenda, or a new tactic for his persuasive talks, but the Trump era could throw him a bone. Aside from the Preacher himself, there’ll now be Trump speakers vying for a shot to harass the student body. You can even expect to see some Bernie Bros sending their best impersonators to Wells Hall to keep the democratic Bern alive as well.
6.) Obscenities at the Rock:
Is it relevant if it isn’t painted on The Rock? There has to be something that goes up on MSU’s rock that resembles an Oompa Loompa, or displays some locker-room talk. Expect the Rock to be heavily guarded by both the supporters of the Trump regime and the protectors of America’s youth.
5.) New-Old Demographics:
Trump manipulated the trolls of this nation into thinking their outdated opinions matter again. His manipulation worked, sure, but we’re positive he didn’t mean to shake the Earth to its core and awaken the feeble-minded mouth-breathing trolls of generations past. With the homophobes and racists now confidently strolling Earth again, be ready to see some weird looking demographics popping up on campus.
4.) Email System Updates:
In honor of President Trump’s opposition, there was a proposition made by his cabinet of bigots to sweep the emailing program that Michigan State students and faculty use. The sweep protocol has been rumored to target individual emails using a key-word search function to quickly find messages of ‘high priority’, like bomb, ISIS, Clinton, Muslim, Pu***, Trump, Mexican, Wall, Jon Snow, and Putin. If you email often about Jon Snow defending the wall, you might be brought in for questioning.
3.) Rise in Taser Sales:
Trump won over the bulk of Americans with his rhetoric, some of which was a little concerning. Investing in a Taser is a surefire way to make sure you’re protected from that level of negativity. If you ever feel unsafe rolling up to that dirty frat where your friends like to party, remember that your Taser is only a finger length away.
2.) Wig-Store Takeover:
The Conrad’s at Abbot and Grand River is no more, leaving an empty sanctuary smack between Rick’s and The Landshark. What could replace Conrad’s better than another Conrad’s? Well, obviously a wig store. Channel Trump with the hair-plug comb over wig that’s been flying off of the shelves of wig stores across the world. They’re even selling big over in Russia, where the Russian movie industry has started developing Putin/Trump soft-core cinema!
1.) Trump-Themed Parties:
To top it all off, it must be reiterated that Trump’s campaign will be taking over America on a Friday, the day we college students like to let loose and forget about our crumbling debt and drink our fears away. Why not start your end of the world party right across from your hick neighbors that are celebrating the birth of Trump’s nation? You can call it the Trumpocalypse!
Haters and supporters alike will all have a reason to party. Whether it be together or separately, the Trumpocalypse will be celebrated.