A Buckeye’s Guide To Seeing An Old Professor On Campus

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We’ve all done it: failed someone’s class and then stared directly into their brilliant eyes soon after while in line for a coffee on your way to fail a different class. It’s ok, these things happen, but naturally you’re mortified and need an out. We Buckeyes don’t like to fail, and since the football team already took a big L for everyone here it’s super important that the rest of us stay on the top of our game and get the hell out of there. Don’t worry, panicked little Scarlet and Gray-er, if you’re ever near an old professor trying to duck your way out, you just have to calm down and ask yourself a few questions and everything will be fine.

Question 1: Where are you? Can you run away?
If you’re on the Oval or something, you might be in luck to jump down a different path and avoid the professor all together, but if you’re strolling the halls in front of his office then you might need to take a second and reevaluate what you’re doing here. Don’t spend time in Denny after you stupidly fail your freshman writing class. This first question is important in evaluating whether or not you yet have concern to panic. If the professor is coming dead on but it can be helped, think like our defense and just move to let them through.

Question 2: Did you fail because you were texting and not paying attention?
If not, great, whip your phone out and slide into anonymity. If you’re that asshole that can’t stop texting, then the professor probably remembers the top of your head and this is an unhelpful solution. Of course, if you were stacked into a McPherson lecture hall of 300, you might just be lucky enough that the top of your head looks likes one of 50 that were texting instead of learning chemistry.

Question 3: Does the professor know your name?
This is, of course, is terrible. Perhaps you’re in Honors, or perhaps you’re unlucky, but if the class is small enough that the professor knows your name at Ohio State than something is wrong and your failure is probably fresh in his mind. Your face or the top of your head will both remind him of typing that fateful letter into the grade book and laughing manically about it. Slowly begin seizing just as they begin to pronounce the first syllable of your name, play dead before they blink and the professor will go way (and probably call 9-1-1 so get out of there ASAP once they turn around).

Question 4: Did you ask them for extra credit at the end?
We can’t help you here if you did this. You deserve to make eye contact for your last-ditch plea to salvage your grade from your own stupidity. You not only failed, but failed shamefully. Turn around and walk the other direction to avoid facing your professor.

The most important thing in all of this is to read the situation better than Urban Meyer read the Clemson Team, and act appropriately. Idiots make mistakes, as you know from failing your class, but you’re an idiot armed with the right questions to calm yourself and make a decision. Although there is only one decision: run. Get out of there. Turn and take the long route. Ohio State is supposed to be big, so use that to run from your failures.