REPORT: 82% of UCSB Student Loan Money Spent on Guacamole at Freebirds
According to a report by UCSB Office of Financial Aid and Scholarships, a startling 82% of the money students receive through loans, grants, and scholarships goes toward topping off their order at Freebirds with some of that sweet, green goodness.
“Our findings indicate that upwards of four-fifths of all UCSB financial aid money is spent at the corner of Pardall and Embarcadero Del Norte,” said lead researcher Amanda Traeger, “leaving less than 15% of the funds to go towards other expenses such as tuition, housing, and books.” The study revealed another disturbing trend, that the overwhelming majority of this money leaves the hands of people who are often “so inebriated that they forget they even made such a purchase.”
“I don’t know how it happened, man,” says Derrick Lofton, a 21-year-old junior and one such intoxicated customer.
“One minute I’m getting some food after hitting a huge rager on DP, next thing you know I’m looking at my bank statement realizing I need to take out another year’s worth of loans,” Lofton explained between soggy green mouthfuls of the monster steak burrito left over from the night previous. “If I don’t find a way to get those $10,000 back by this time next week,” he continued, licking guacamole off his fingers, “I don’t see how I’m going to get out of here before I’m 30.”
Lofton’s situation parallels that of many other students who found out too late what their reckless spending had done.
“It’s like, everyone I know has this problem,” he said, running his tongue along his forearm to catch a dribble of green sliding toward his elbow. “I’ve had four friends already who were supposed to graduate on time, decided to celebrate a little too early spring quarter, and then bam!—” he exclaimed, pausing to examine a spot of goop that had escaped his notice, “you’re out of money and stuck here for good,” he said as he craned his neck in a vain attempt to touch his tongue to his elbow.
An immediate follow-up study will test out the researchers’ hypothesis that the remaining 18% of financial aid is spent on Freebirds’ horchata.