You Call that a Smear Letter? THIS is a Smear Letter

author-pic at University of Virginia  

There have been a lot of angry white men on social media this February, and I’m not just referencing Falcons fans. No, this time white men are angry about Studco Elections, sharing this anonymous letter on their Facebooks. Newsflash everyone, politics have always been bad. Our very own DJ TJ hired a guy to spread rumors that John Adams had illegitimate children. An anonymous letter? Please. Plus, that’s not how you even write a smear letter. Where’s the name calling? Or blatant lies about the opposition’s past? What about demands for her tax returns? So many missed opportunities. Good thing we took care of them for you in my new and improved smear letter.

To The University Community,

It has come to our attention that there’s a third year student running for President of Student Council. The Black Sheep has feelings about this person’s candidacy (who will henceforth be referred to as Queen Tangerine, the Duchess of Conservatives, and/or 1% Trying to Win By 1%). We lightly recommend you do the same. 

Duchess is unsuited for the presidency for three primary reasons: we did not get any of the free food she was handing out, she disagrees with us, and she has probably licked every piece of furniture in Newcomb.

First, we did not get any of her free food. Look, we read the Cavalier Daily article. We know you spent a lot of money on food and other merch for your campaign. But here’s the thing. Even if you only spent a third of your cash on food, Bodos Bagels are only 70 cents a pop if you’re buying in bulk. Last we checked, that buys you over seven hundred bagels without a special deal. Yet we got none of them? Not a single one? Shame on you. You can’t buy our vote unless you prominently advertise when and where you’ll be handing out free food.

Furthermore, Duchess has opinions that are different from ours. We have proudly never voted in a school election, because we were off doing way cooler stuff like snorting Coke (the drink), and getting blowjobs (the sexual act). Yet this fruit character has the audacity to not subscribe to our mandatory liberal groupthink. Does she not read this high quality journalism? She’s welcome to pretend she’s better than that, which, who knows, she might be (none of our staff have actually met her). But we know that deep down, she’s not really qualified, otherwise she would agree with us.

Finally, she has probably licked every piece of furniture in Newcomb. If you were to test every table, chair, desk, and sofa in that building, you would find her DNA, semen, and Chick-Fil-A grease on every last bit of it. This is because Chick-Fil-A is delicious, boys blow loads whenever wherever, and Duchess compulsively tastes every bit of furniture she comes into contact with. Yet these soft interviewers at The Declaration and Cavalier Daily completely blew it! They didn’t ask any of the hardball questions about her furniture licking habits, or why her pets are all named Mitchell. The Cavalier Daily people didn’t even have the backbone to hunt her down when she didn’t show up for her interview. These press outlets are practically handing her the election and we simply cannot stand for it.

Sincerely,

            Connor McL-fuck wait this is supposed to be anonymous, isn’t it?

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