Tech Student Unable to Cope with New Semester Due to Recent Discovery about Santa

author-pic at Virginia Tech  

Every college student battles with adjusting to the semester after break, but perhaps no one has struggled as hard as Virginia Tech’s Nick Dunver, who’s recent holiday break turned out to be not so jolly after all.

Dunver, a junior in Tech’s engineering program, never considered himself to be a gullible person. Friends and family say he was never one to look up when rumors of writings on the ceiling were fluttered about, nor search for his nose when his father slyly snatched it from his face. Dunver himself even told The Black Sheep that the “3 loop duck pond eternal love myth” was “total bologna.” As a result of his reputation as a sensible and logical person, it was a total shock when his family learned this Christmas that up until this year, Dunver had wholeheartedly believed in Kris Kringle. That is to say, on the eve of his 21st Christmas, Nicholas Dunver of Roanoke, Virginia, learned that Santa Claus did not, in fact, exist.  

Reportedly, Dunver was scrolling through his Snapchat when one of his friends drunkenly posted a snap of his posted grade on Hokie Spa, featuring a whopping 1.4 GPA, with the caption: “Bitch-ass profs as fake as Santa Claus.” Dunver quickly screenshotted the story and immediately sat his parents down for a 3-hour interrogation on the existence of the red fat jolly man.

“We honestly thought he had stopped believing when he was 5,” said Nick’s mom, Nancy Dunver. “I mean, for gods-sake, he was building laptops by the time he was in the 4th grade, we just assumed he had some common sense.” However, Nancy Dunver admits to continuing to eat the cookies placed out for “Santa” on Christmas Eve in the Dunver house, as well as placing money underneath Nick’s pillow when he lost his teeth, well into his teen years. Nancy says she was under the impression that these were “a bit”.

Now, starting his 3rd to last semester at Virginia Tech, Dunver is finding it harder than ever to acclimate to the academic and social pressures that accompany college life. Blacksburg itself serves as a constant reminder of his loss, as Dunver reportedly picked Virginia Tech as his college because he thought, “President Sands was a retired North Pole elf.” Consequently, Dunver admits that Blacksburg has “lost some of its magic for him.”

“I don’t know how to act anymore. Before, every time I donated blood in Squires or wiped down my equiptment at McComas, I knew that Santa was watching, and I knew I was assuring my place on the Nice List. Now, I don’t know what I’m working towards,” reports Dunver. His friends tell us that since the beginning of the new semester, all Nick has managed to do is eat entire Benny’s pizzas by himself, and watch The Year Without a Santa Claus.

Students across campus are showing their support for Dunver, by coming out with their own stories of hard-hitting truth bombs. Jessica Austin, a sophomore at Tech, admitted to believing in the Easter Bunny until her first year at Tech. Certain staff also shared their secrets. Most notably, Coach Fuente, who told Dunver that up until he took his daughters to Disney World in 2013, he considered the theory about Walt Disney’s head being cryogenically frozen was “God’s honest truth.” 

“My entire belief system has been completely shattered. I don’t know who or what to trust anymore. Next someone’s going to tell me that a hokie isn’t even a real bird!” Dunver heartbreakingly exclaimed.

Are you wishing you changed your mind about location yet?