To my dear students of The University of Connecticut,
It is with the upmost enthusiasm that I inform you the most wonderful time of the year, back to school, is here. I write to inform you that I am extremely excited to announce that I am still (among unpopular opinion) returning as your president. Tuition is up, alcohol tolerance is low and there’s a 100% chance that you will be engaging in sexual acts. But what kind of a school would this be without a back to school sex guide written by yours truly, Susan “The Sooze Hound” Herbst? That’s right, I was a hot young mamma once, so read up to have fun, and more importantly safe, sex this year.
With all the crazy young women keeping our UConn mental health services plenty busy and the gentlemen keeping them there, ALWAYS wear a condom. Condoms are a great way to prevent all sorts of STDs that all of you esteemed Huskies are walking around with such as herpes, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes again, and gonorrhea. Condoms are also a great back up plan in case the gal you bring home turns out to be rather “psycho” and lies about being on birth control. (The Sooze Hound’s never done this, no matter what Coach Ollie might try and tell you.) If you’re looking for suggestions I prefer Trojan Ecstasy, which per my request are now offered at SHS.
Unfortunately, condoms do not protect against “feelings” so just be sure to wear a condom and not fall in love with anyone from last week’s fraternity box social — I hear there was a lot of this going on last year and I hope to inform incoming freshmen and upperclassmen of this epidemic.
You would think that everyone brushes their teeth before they go out as they did back when I was in college, but this seems to not be the case. Bad breath can turn any dime into a 4 or 5, imagine you meet this fine young woman at Teds, she’s a “solid 10” as you boys would say, but then she leans in closer to you while talking, and you get a whiff of stinky feet mixed with the, excuse my language, Kim Kardashian’s butthole.
This does not have to be a night-ruiner; simply pull out a piece of gum and ask her if she would like piece as well. Mints and gum are also useful to have with you in the morning too if your girl happens to not get the hint to leave at night and stays over until the morning. Have a nice stick of gum waiting for her right when she gets up because if she slept over she is probably what Coach Ollie thinks is a funny term even though it’s not, a “stage five clinger,” and is most likely going to try to kiss you in the morning. So pack an extra piece of gum in your wallet next to your extra small sized condom to avoid any stinky smelling ladies.
Whether you crazy kids are “trashy hoes,” bangin’ brunettes like myself or both… together, this back to school sex guide will for sure bring you success and safety in the bedroom. However, bedroom performance is all up to you, so gentleman, I hope you’ve all been practicing and working on your stamina this summer because it’s game time, and I wish you all the best and safest sex. Remember, UConn is a prestigious school and you will be held to the highest standards both academically and sexually.
Susan “The Sooze Hound” Herbst