The Top 5 Walk Of Shame Routes At CU Boulder

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We all do it, so why not make it into an art form? Having a plan just in case you wake up next to a strange human in a bed that is very obviously not your own is crucial. Don’t leave too early so he knows you aren’t trash, but don’t leave too late or he might think you’re a fucking psycho. And always, always Google Map it. Here are some ideal post-shenanigans ways to campus, for all you promiscuous ladies out there. Hey- we don’t judge.

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5.) Purple Route:
So you woke up in some shady ass house with a moat in front of it. At this point, you’d rather die than get judged by the betches sitting outside The Corner while you try to act like you intentionally slept in this outfit. The long and solitary walk by the world’s most poorly placed cemetery will give you ample time to reflect on that pleasantly surprising frat dick you just got. You’ll cross Broadway into campus way the fuck down near 16th, just to make sure everyone knows that you definitely didn’t have sex last night.

4.) Red Route:
Wow, rough night last night? It seems like it, seeing as you made it all the way to the edge of the fun part of town. (Everyone knows that nothing good happens when you go lower on The Hill than Grandview.) The good news is there’s no Hill crowd to shamefully hang your head in front of as you walk by. The bad news, there are few frat houses on this route that are the fucking worst. But look at the bright side; you’ll enter campus right near the Starbucks on University where you can get your venti half caf with extra foam and a sprinkle of awkwardness with a barista who definitely knows what you did last night.

3.) Blue Route:
He must really know his way around the bedroom if you’re willing to find your way around the classy side of campus for him. But consider yourself warned: On your stroll home, you might actually see some actual functioning adults who’ll shield their toddler’s eyes as they judge the shit out of you for actually having fun in college. Whatever. Own it.

2.) Yellow Route:
This route is ideal in two scenarios only: a) you just slept with some sexy piece of ass and don’t feel any shame about it, or b) after last night, you have no fucks left to give. Either way, props to you girl — ain’t no shame in your game. Bask in that shamelessness that announces, yeah, I drank alcohol and had pre-marital sex with a boy that I’m not emotionally involved with, what did YOU DO last night? Own that shit, you lil’ ho.

1.) Green Route:
Jeez, where are you coming from? Obviously nowhere that fun. But no worries, you can meet up with that girl Kristen who you low-key hate for sleeping with that Sig Pi that you wanted to sleep with while she walk of fames and you walk of shame. Naturally, she has perfect bedhead and is lookin’ casual-cute, and you… well, you look like how someone should look after sweating out cheap vodka on someone else’s sheets.

If you prefer to take a Lyft and avoid the unnecessary cardio, that’s fantastic. If you prefer to avoid the walk home by not having a home and just sleeping in the bushes, you do you. And if you prefer to wait until marriage when your partner doesn’t look at the like you’re a tender, juicy steak all the time, you’re fucking weird and you should get that stick out of yo’ ass. Sex is a beautiful function of the human body, so take pride in the natural state that you were in last night and walk tall!

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