A 5-Step Guide for Taking President Ass-Anus on the Valentine’s Day Date Of A Lifetime and Then Ruining It

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Everyone wants to have that special someone to take out on Valentine’s Day, and The Black Sheep definitely knows you’re already thinking of asking President Dennis Ass-Anus on this date. With his multiple degrees and lack of a normal surname, the UD President is the perfect person to accompany you on this day filled with love. However, he doesn’t just say yes to everyone – Dennis Butthole is a hot item! You must woo the Ass-Anus before taking him out. Here is our five-step guide for taking the Prez himself out on a date on Valentine’s Day; and then ruining it.

Step 1- Send Him “Anonymous” Love Letters:
Nobody loves little anonymous love letters written on unpaid parking tickets more than the President of the University of Delaware does. Adding both “U can take my D if you want ;)” and “UDon’t know how much I love you” will make him fall for you very quickly. By signing them with your UDID and “XO,” Ass-Anus will swoon with love and tell his kids (and maybe wife, who knows) how excited he is to potentially meet you.

Step 2- Dress Up as YouDee and Reenact his Favorite Greek Music Video:
Make sure it’s filmed in your dorm so he knows how committed you are to this university. Sending him a video of you dressed up as YouDee and reenacting whatever Greek music video he last rubbed one out to, he’ll be super flattered and not creeped out that you know exactly which video to send. He might even send an email to the public saying that he has found the love of his life! Wow!

Step 3- Reserve a Table for Two at Vita Nova (Or McDonalds):
Ah, Vita Nova, our oddly fancy restaurant located in the not-so-oddly not-so-fancy Trab-house. President Ass-Anus will be so honored that you invited him to such a nice, UD-themed restaurant that he will have to be your one and only bae. If all the reservations are taken and you can’t take him to the best restaurant on campus, then McDonalds will do just fine.

Step 4- Propose to Him with Your UD Class Ring at Dinner:
Yeah, that’s right, fucking propose to him on the first date. Be bold. You did buy one of these, right? If, for some reason, you didn’t think showing your UD Pride was worth wasting hundreds of dollars, you can use the wrapping of one of your unopened, overpriced textbooks from last semester and a free UD Admissions pen to write him a UD-themed love poem instead.

Step 5- Break Up with Him By Getting Caught Doing Baby Blue:
Ruin your perfect day with President Ass-Anus by replacing his seat with Baby Blue when he gets up to go to the bathroom. Just act as if he never belonged there and watch him cry about his one true love breaking up with him minutes after you two got engaged. It will be very hard on President Ass-Anus, but he was also cheating on his wife during this whole date so he should understand.


There you have it! If you’re looking for a creative date for Valentine’s Day, start this process right away! Someone else might be reading this at the same time and start sending beloved Ass-Anus letters soon, so get to it!