5 Surefire Ways to Avoid Your One-Night Stand On the Same Red Line Car

author-pic at DePaul University  

Liquor, recklessness, and a low self-esteem were most likely involved, but you did in fact have your two minutes of fun (if we’re being generous). After you’ve indulged in your barbaric human nature, it’s time to go back to your mediocre life and conform to a reserved society.  BUT WAIT! You’ve just ended up on the same Red Line car as last night’s mistake. But don’t worry! You’re not completely fucked (no pun intended)! We at The Black Sheep has provided the perfect guide to avoiding your one-night stand when you’ve ended up on the same Red Line car.

5.)  Start making out with someone else:
It’s difficult for someone to notice you if you have your face pushed into someone else’s face! The L is actually a great dating scene. There are plenty of bachelors, bachelorettes, and everything in between, so you should have a decent selection. If you’re someone who is a bit shy when it comes to making out with strangers and dealing with the possibility of rejection, just look for the nearest perv with the semi-chub. You’ll be sure to make him and his little friend’s day, all while avoiding last night’s indulgence!

4.) Speak in a different language:
Whatever language you spoke the previous night, change it up!  Your one-night stand is bound to not recognize you based on their probable lack of cultural diversity. If you aren’t fluent in any other languages, make up your own language up and start speaking gibberish! This will completely throw them off, and they’re likely to think you’re a different person…or just a crack head…but regardless, they won’t talk to you!

3.) Disguise yourself with surrounding objects:
The L is known for not only for being a form of transportation, but also for being the island of lost treasures. Hats, scarves, socks, dead animals, used condoms, you name it, and the L’s got it- especially on the Red Line! So, get inventive! Simply, take these found items, and transform yourself into the “L Monster.” Just keep going to town with this stray garbage all over your body and face until you don’t even recognize your dirty self!  Plus, no one will talk to you with all this shit all over you (literally and figuratively).

2.) Hide behind other people:
There are many types of people that others avoid on the L. The most frequently avoided, are the homeless people asking for money. No one wants to make eye contact with a poor homeless person who’s begging for food…which is kind of fucked up…but this isn’t a guide about society’s low moral standards, it’s a guide created for your low standards from last night! So take advantage and stand behind any homeless person or tweaked junkie speaking in tongues. We guarantee, they won’t look your way.

1.) Jump off the train:
We only recommend it if all else fails! But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, -and if jumping off a moving train saves you from embarrassment or even worse…an awkward conversation, it’s worth the risk; we at The Black Sheep definitely recommend it!

So there you have it! If none of these techniques work, you could always just switch L cars, but where’s the fun in that? We didn’t raise you to be basic.