If DePaul Buildings Were STDs
As all DePaul students know, our university is proudly pro-STD. DePaul uses the facade of its archaic Catholic values that are utter nonsense, aren’t even mentioned in the Bible, and have historically been used simply to oppress women to deny its students condoms and rudimentary sexual health education. Accordingly, we have one of the highests rates of unplanned pregnancy and STD infection of any private university. Based on that knowledge, here are DePaul’s campus buildings as the university’s favorite STDS.
DePaul’s famous soccer field, found right the Fullerton L stop and lovingly watched over by STD apologist St. Vincent, is clearly allegorical for HPV. Like HPV, Wish Field is fairly unimportant, can give you cancer, and is easily prevented by a vaccine (i.e. not caring about sporting events).
The Schmitt Academic Center:
This riot-poof eyesore on DePaul’s Lincoln Park Campus is clearly a proud homage to genital herpes. Like herpes, the SAC — it’s really called the SAC — is huge, ugly as anything, and keeps reappearing on our class schedules (and genitals). Also like genital herpes, the SAC may cause painful itching and can lie dormant in the body as PTSD for years.
The Student Center:
The student center is an obvious symbol of chlamydia. Like chlamydia, the student center might cause painful discharge for DePaul students, in the form of runny diarrhea, caused by eating the same shitty food they feed to prisoners. The student center, also like chlamydia, would make a good name for a young girl.
The Theatre School:
The Theatre School at DePaul is home to a strange cult of theatre students who are some of the most charismatic, obnoxious, and extra individuals on the planet. So, obviously, it’s the building on campus that most similar to syphilis. The Theatre School’s bright, expensive lights can cause blindness, and too much time spent in the presence of theater school kids is sure to cause insanity and nerve damage, just like syphilis.
The quad, the grassy field that students hurry through trying not to die of hypothermia in the winter and occasionally lounge around on in the short Chicago summer, is directly related to gonorrhea because both of them have the funniest sounding name. Like the quad, it’s also a little embarrassing if you don’t spend some time with gonorrhea at some point.
The Richardson Library:
The Richardson Library is a visible symbol of HIV/AIDS. Like that terrible disease, it is serious, important to talk about, and no laughing matter. Millions of people die of HIV every year, and just like the computer services offered by the Richardson Library, it is crucially worthy of serious discussion and funding.
Some people will undoubtedly claim that this article was crass or inappropriate, but given that this university continues to refuse to allow even basic STD protection on campus, we at The Black Sheep think it’s only appropriate.
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