5 DePaul Inspired Sex Positions
DePaul is the largest Catholic University in the nation, but who says Bible luvrs can’t get down ;)? The Bible, actually. DePaul isn’t a normal Catholic institution; we’ve got sinners of all faiths here. Condoms are almost legal on campus, freaks! Maybe next year, “Condom Coalition.”
Here are some DePaul inspired sex positions that you might’ve done by accident:
DISCLOSURE: These positions are not limited to heterosexual couples! Unfortunately, all of the illustrations were stolen from a magazine that loves heteronormativity.
Skill Level: Medium
This position is seen as “gross but a guilty pleasure,” like the STU. It can get messy once you bring food-play to the table, so use a plastic sheet or lay down a tarp. Some items that guarantee a great time include: chocolate sauce, strawberries, or even the STU’s very own “Chunky Chili!” If you’re lucky enough, a Chartwell’s worker may consensually join in on the fun!
4.) THE SAC:
Skill Level: Beginner
The SAC is a delicate but easy position. This position was named “The SAC” after the couples that fall asleep while spooning on the brick benches in the SAC. What you didn’t know about these couples is that they’re really having sex before your very eyes. The SAC is for gentile lovers and is sensual and romantic. The SAC feels most comfortable when coffee from The Bean is used during foreplay and there is a mumble of voices and keys typing in the background.
3.) THE THEATRE SCHOOL:
**Costumes are not limited to examples above**
Skill Level: ?
Y’all are some freaks, so clearly this position involves role-play. The images above shows Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and the Donkey from A Midsummer Night’s Dream fornicating.
“The Theatre School” lets us experience all of our wildest fantasies. Whether you’re dressed as Sandy and Rizzo, Link Larkin and Corny Collins, or the 3 blind mice, The Theatre School will be like nothing you’ve done before!
2.) THE CLIFTON PARKING GARAGE:
Skill Level: Advanced
This position is for the extremely confident, horny and those who have a good center of balance. This position is most useful for freshman whose roommates are home and need a place to “bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states.” If you use that euphemism, you most likely have a George W. Bush tramp stamp. Patriotism is so beautiful. This position works best while balancing on a smaller car, like a KIA or Acura. Students have attempted using a Hummer and were fatally injured.
1.) DEVIL DAWGS:
Skill Level: Medium
DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS POSITION IF YOU ARE A VEGAN. Everyone knows that hot dogs are an aphrodisiac. A study from Vanity Fair magazine recently stated that having sex almost releases as many endorphins as eating a hot dog! This position is for optimal pleasure and works best when the hot dogs are purchased from Devil Dawgs.
Students and lovers of DePaul, try these positions and let us know what you think. DePaul Blue Demons for life.
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