CUMTD To Offer Shuttle Service To and From Tinder Booty Calls

author-pic at University of Illinois  

In an effort to increase safety and reduce the amount of 5 a.m. walks of shame down Green Street, CUMTD has announced that they will now offer a shuttle service for Illini en route to a disappointing one-night stand.

“On early runs, I always see girls trying to discreetly scuttle back home with last night’s stilettos and whatever’s left of their dignity in tow,” noted CUMTD driver Sandra Burke, the employee who pioneered the idea of the “Tinder Tram.” “With this new service, they’ll at least have a place to sit down and re-apply their mascara before heading to class.”

CUMTD explained that this shuttle service will be similar to SafeRides, but is specifically intended for sleazy Tinder meetups. In fact, students must show the driver a screenshot of their Tinder match in addition to their i-Card in order to board the bus.

“I always felt too guilty to call SafeRides before or after a hookup, anyway,” confessed student Scott Holmes. “I’d be sitting next to people on their way to admirable places like Illinois Terminal or the Main Library, no doubt to do important things, and there I was on my way to get my late night nut.”

Since awkward meetups and embarrassing treks home are essential to the Champaign-Urbana Tinder experience, the shuttles are predicted to be in high demand. To cover the costs, the Office of the Registrar has stated that an additional payment of $69.00 will be tacked on to the existing transportation fees each semester.