13 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts From Your Very Local Goodwill

author-pic at Indiana University  

Every year people spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, chocolate, and jewelry that go un-smelled, uneaten, and unworn.  When the flowers rot, the chocolate melts, and the jewelry is forgotten, these 13 sexy gifts from Goodwill will be all that remains.

13.)  Armageddon on VHS:

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For the cataclysmic, world-shattering love you’ll be making tonight.

12.) The Many Moods of Romance on Cassette:

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Any given Goodwill is sure to have something as eloquent as this cassette tape sure to drop some drawers.

11.) Super–Sexy Lingerie:

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Surprise the love of your life with a silk slip from the pinnacle of lingerie stores—Goodwill.

10.) Baby Clothes:

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Let your new girlfriend know you want to spend the rest of your life with her by getting her future daughter clothes for Valentine’s Day.

9.) Anything Lime Green and Pink:

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The vibrance of this gift alone is enough to wow your partner. Serves as a great gift for both husband and wife.

8.) Football Couch:

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Let her know how much of a “catch” she is by tossing out her old couch and replacing it with a much smaller, football-themed couch. At only $19.99, girls aren’t the only thing you’re stealing this Valentine’s Day.

7.) This Thing:

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Let your partner know what a tall drink of water they are by popping up at their doorstep with only this in hand. 100% guaranteed to make them thirsty for your love.

6.) Letters from a Nut by Jed Nancy and Jerry Seinfeld:

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Who cares what the book is about? A title packed with sexual innuendos is more than enough to sex up your Valentine’s Day for less than $2.

5.) Crutches:

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Let your lover to know how weak you are when they’re around, crutches are the best thrifty gift for this year’s V-Day.

4.) Fishing Pole:

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Let her know how lucky you feel to have “reeled” them in, a fishing pole is a perfect gift. At only $4, a used fishing pole is a cryptic and intellectual gift for your lover.

3.) Ladle:

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Tie a note to a ladle with “Wanna spoon?” proposed on it. It’s concise, funny, and erotic: the only things your Valentine’s Day should consist of.

2.) Asian Farmer’s Hat:

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This gift will put an interesting spin on roleplay. Let her know you’re ready to sow her seeds with this Asian farmer’s hat.

1.) Overalls:

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Only one piece of clothing is far easier to remove than a whole ensemble. Get ready to plow her fields after she sees you in this number.

While purchasing only one of these marvelous gifts should be enough to swoon your lover past the point of no return, feel free to buy every single item on the list for extra security. Good luck lovers.