Cuffing: A Hawkeye’s Guide to Staying Warm this Winter

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If getting used to 8 a.m. classes wasn’t hard enough, Iowa students this semester get to drag themselves to class in the gray, freezing, icy hell that is a Midwest winter. The simple fact is that now more than ever, us pretend grownups really just want someone to cuddle with and complain to about the weather, like bears hibernating in a warm little sex cave. But sometimes it’s hard to draw the line between your winter time hookup and an actual relationship. Here’s your go to guide for how to make sure your cuffing doesn’t get too complicated.

5.) Proper Terms for Your Cuffing Partner:

Keep things clear by strictly referring to your temporary cuddle-cuff as your friend, bud, pal, fuck buddy, etc. Being casual is always key. That being said, you don’t want to piss your partner off and be alone at the end of a cold Iowa night- so refrain from calling him “the tall one I left Summit with last Friday” to his face.

4.) Be Sure There’s a Little Something for the Both of You:

No, you can’t act as if you’re entitled to hit it any time you please, but there are some good ways to inadvertently bargain for some bangin’. If you’re all the way at DC’s and your hookup lives near College Green, you shouldn’t be expected to walk that distance just for some body heat. If they can pick you up, you can get them up. Other socially accepted cuddle currencies include: coffee, tutoring, and anything involving food that isn’t Basta-level fancy (as that warrants a little too much commitment).

3.) Getting to Know Your Cuffing Partner:

Hawkeyes have the unique opportunity to live out a multiple personality sort of lifestyle. We all have the version of us that can be found grinding in the library, the version of ourselves shoveling a Molly’s cupcake down our throats while wrapped up in the comforter, and the version of ourselves that is convinced we should race our friends from the pregame to the party. Be careful about which personality your cuff gets to know. Ideally, contact will be kept to the bedroom, downtown, and strictly food places where the menu hangs on the wall. 

2.) Good Levels of Exclusivity:

While most of these rules work as insurance policies against clinginess and actual feelings, cuffing is still a step up from just a one-night stand and you should treat it as such. Keep up a Snapchat streak, and talk regularly (but no good morning texts).  A good conversation to have would probably be one about whether or not you’re seeing other people, and if you want to be any more exclusive than you already are. God forbid you actually begin liking the warm body you decided to seasonally fuck.

1.) Things That Must Not Be Talked About:

There’s no need to ruin a good thing with the complications of real life. Cuffing gives you the opportunity to live out your sex fantasies and the fantasy of having a no-strings-attached relationship. So there’s no need to tell the person who is regularly seeing you naked about any embarrassing childhood memories. The girl who is hanging out with you because you have a big chest probably doesn’t need to know about the inner workings of your family, and she definitely doesn’t want to hear about how you’re self-conscious about the hairiness of your nose.

At the end of the day just enjoy the company of your warm body, and remember when the clouds part, the sun comes back out, and you’ll turn back in to the unattached and unemotional idiot that you were before the temperature dropped below freezing.