5 Ways to Convince Your Friends You Got Laid

author-pic at University of Kentucky  

As a young freshman boy ripe from the high school marching band, those lonely nights in Woodland Glen 3 have started to take a toll on you. They didn’t seem so bad at first, until your frat roomie shamelessly flaunted the slew of drunk randos he brought home every night and all your boys talked of how “slutty the girls here are LOL.” You’re starting to feel like the odd man out. The embarrassment of your lack of female companions could be a thing of the past with a few quick tricks.

5.) Spend a night away from the dorm:
You’re gonna have to leave the comfort of your Tempur-Pedic bed and parents’ Netflix subscription behind for a night. Head out in your best Vineyard Vines and neon khakis with a curt nod and wink to your roomie about how drunk you’re gonna get tonight and “not to expect me home.” Having no actual engagements, there’s a sweet crowd of homeless men in Thoroughbred Park who will gladly offer you a bench for the night. Curl up.

4.) Return home without an article of clothing:
You read on Yik Yak how girls like to take a hookups sweatshirt because it smells like them. Well you had to give up your pants instead because Joe insisted on them in exchange for that one hit from the crack pipe that he swore was a friendly gesture. Apparently your unicorn girl likes the smell of stale Hot Cheetos and Blazer pizza. Say goodbye to your Easter pants for 4 years running and hand over the khakis. Stride back through campus in your SpongeBob boxers with pride. Make sure to return during prime Hungover-Great-Bagel hours for maximum exposure.

3.) Craft your nighttime escapade:
Think of this as one of those shitty personal narratives they’re making you write for UK101. When you get back to the dorm tousle your hair, put on the squinty, I-forgot-my-contacts eyes, and maybe a good finger down the throat puke in the hallway will help as well. “Bro I got absolutely fucking trashed last night and ended up hooking up with some Phi Mu chick who had a face like a horse but a great ass. Alright her ass was OK.” Gotta keep this tale believable.

2.) Spread a rumor that you have an STD:
Nothing says I’ve been pulling bitches like that fake burning and itching down in your groin. Start pulling on your balls a little more often and complain of how bad your cum smells. Declare at the urinal “Idk what’s going on man but I’ve been pissin’ murky water for a few days now..” With any luck your disgusted friends will tell of your genital unfortunate high and low. Soon, all of the 3rd floor will know how you’ve most definitely had sexual contact with an actual human being. This notoriety and bad boy reputation will only add to your mystery and charm with the ladies.

1.) Actually speak to a living female:
This one might be a little hard to manage for someone who gets flustered simply ordering from 40 year old Big Tits at Mickey D’s. But if all else fails, offer a disheveled looking srat girl at Starbucks the newest latte in exchange for one trip up to your dorm when you know your roomie will be home. All it takes is you guys barging in and saying “Ha I guess this room is taken” to give your rumors credence. Hopefully you can get the door closed again before he sees her give you the WTF side eye and exit like she just heard of a sale at Express.

Hopefully these tips will help you get your boys thinking that you’ve actually been gettin’ it in. Who knows, maybe the rumors of your sexual prowess will spread throughout campus and some horny girl on Tinder will actually message you back for once. Those pick up lines are clever and don’t let anyone tell you different. Those nights alone watching The Office with no company but the pocket pussy your older brother got as a gag gift five years ago will be a distant memory.