Student Takes Bio 171, Doesn’t Shower to Increase Pheromone Output

author-pic at University of Michigan  

**For the uneducated, pheromones are the unscented chemical compounds that animals emit that transmit signals between individuals of the same species usually eliciting a certain behavioral response in each other. Basically, pheromones are the “all natural, fragrance free” perfume that says “hey baby how you doin’?”.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I’m back on the market! It’s still cuffing season so I’m going to try to replace him as quick as possible before crop top season comes back” says sophomore Stacy Johnson,who’s been taking biology 171 and according to her peers, has really taken to the ecology section. Particularly, the mating process.  

Stacy’s roommate, Claire vented, looking at all the dirty laundry piled on her roommate’s bed. “She just stinks! She thinks she’s going to attract all of these boys by going natural, but no one in Dirty Burz will even touch her she’s so nasty.” 

“You know I’ve never actually seen her going to take a shower,” remembers a dorm neighbor. “A few days ago I heard some of the janitors talking about how bad her room smells, I don’t know how her roommate can take it”.

Later, Claire explained that it all started after Stacy took bio 171, “Just one day she came back and told me all about these pheromones and how they help you attract a mate. I always knew she was a little off, but this is next level bachelor shit. That’s the last time I room blind”.  

“I know my roommate thinks I’m some kind of freak” Stacy laughed nervously, flicking a piece of dandruff off her shoulder, “I just shower at really random times because I have work and class. But yeah totally, pheromones are definitely a real thing. I mean bunnies are always poppin’ out babies and they reek! So there has to be some sort of link”.

We caught up with a former bio GSI to explain why in God’s name one would ever not shower in order to be seductive. “It’s simple really, though there is no detectable odor to pheromones, it’s just like any other scent you would wear on your body. When we shower, our natural scents are washed away by the water and replaced with whatever scent your soap may be. In theory, if someone were to cease all basic hygiene practices, their natural scent would be stronger. However, there is no strong evidence for human pheromones playing a large role in finding a mate.”  

“It’s pretty crazy how people are just drawn to me” she said, “What can I say, I guess I just have one of those personalities!”. Last spotted on a Sunday night, Stacy can be seen at any of the local bars trying to mooch drinks off guys and then running away once she realizes they’re not an athlete. According to one on-looker, she nearly knocked a guy out when she raised her arms to do the YMCA. If there’s one takeaway from this story, at least now we know why Fountains of Wayne wrote a song about Stacy’s Mom and not Stacy.

Are you wishing you changed your mind about location yet?