8 Ways To Seduce That Special Someone in the Michigan Union’s Tap Room

author-pic at University of Michigan  

We all know that the Tap Room is the most sensual place on campus. This incredible room, hidden away in the basement of the Union, is the perfect romantic to take someone you’re really trying to impress. With the stench of Subway and Panda Express in the distance, romance is bound to happen. Follow these steps and the person of your dreams will surely be yours:

8.) Strip Down:
Since the Tap Room is always just a few degrees too warm because of all of the printers crammed into the small space, take advantage of the warmth and show your prospect your hot bod. “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

7.) Give Gifts:
Surprise your romantic contender with a thoughtful gift. Collect crumbs left on the tables from someone’s 2 a.m. dinner consisting of Wendy’s fries and a shake, and give them to your potential partner. Bitches love breadcrumbs.

6.) Plan a Ceremony:
Arrange all of the tables and chairs in rows like it’s your wedding day, and send all of your friends a google invite for the special day. When you walk in with the candidate for your love, they will be so thrilled, they’ll probably call their parents. Aww!

5.) Make a Lasting Impression:
Walk up to your target, and hand them a knife. If they seem frightened, don’t worry. Little do they know that you’ll be carving your names into the table together to make a permanent reminder of your blossoming love.

4.) Fire Things Up:
This tip may be a bit dangerous, but love is so worth it. Light the row of trashcans in the Tap Room on fire. Now there are two dumpster fires in the room; you and the burning receptacles. Here’s where you make your move. Be the more impressive dumpster fire and rescue the person of your desire. They’ll have no choice other than to date you out of gratitude.

3.) Put on a Show:
Line up all of the tiny tables and put on your sassiest shoes. Proceed to give a fashion show to the person you’re trying to attract, and show them that you can really work it.

2.) Shake Your Milkshake:
Buy a large frosty from Wendy’s and sit across from your target, and eat it sensually. If they don’t get the hint right away, play Milkshake by Kelis loudly on your phone, and maybe they’ll come to your yard. Bonus points for only using your tongue.

1.) Shock Them With Your Exit:
Pretend to be slightly electrocuted when you unplug your laptop from the wall right as you’re leaving. Make sure to plant a friend in the room ahead of time to suggest to your desired partner to give you mouth to mouth.

Follow these fail safe steps to secure yourself a partner. If you execute them perfectly, be sure to invite the writers at The Black Sheep to your wedding to show gratitude for inspiring your romance.

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