So You’ve Been Caught Stealing Condoms From Sparty’s: Now What

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Sparty’s is the go-to spot for your beloved Combo and the sludge that is Spartan Spirit Coffee. However, deep inside the aisles, past the NyQuil and tampons, lies the all-important love gloves. Michigan State recognizes that people do have sex, and it’s better to have condoms readily available when it comes time to bump uglies. Sure, Olin has free condoms, but those things break faster than Jalen Watts-Jackson’s hip. You’ve finally mustered up the courage to pick up the package but good god, $6 for a three-pack? Maybe it’s a mixture of nervousness of bringing them up to the cashier and being strapped for cash. Either way, do the rational thing and just steal those babies to prevent a baby. Here’s what to do if you get caught with your rubbers in your hand:

Step 1— Remain calm:
The first thing to do and perhaps the most vital is to check your surroundings and analyze the situation. Who called you out? Is the cashier a student? Do people think I’m cool for needing condoms?

Step 2— Play stupid:
“I didn’t know we had to pay for contraceptives.” “I didn’t see a price tag so I just assumed.” Let whatever bullshit you can think of come spewing out of your mouth.

Step 3— Deny, deny, deny:
Be persistent. Plead the fifth. Ask for a lawyer. Do anything and everything to not take responsibility for your actions.

Step 4— Play it cool:
“Yeah I was going to steal these condoms, what’s it to you?” “Why you trynna cock block me right now?” “I get laid but don’t get paid.” Any mixture of words to make you seem like a douche, but a douche with good intentions.

Step 5— Just walk out of the store:
Once you realize that most people working at Sparty’s don’t give a shit about anything you can stroll right on out like nothing happened, condoms in hand. $9.50/hour isn’t enough to prevent someone from getting laid.