Brookside’s Solstice Deck Predicted to Be Responsible for 90% of Mizzou STD Cases in 2017

author-pic at University of Missouri  

In Columbia, student apartment buildings are shooting up faster than a horny frat dude’s dick on the 10 Below dance floor. This means, the preexisting buildings are having to step up their marketing game to fill each unit. Brookside, once a leading Mizzou student apartment contender, is now facing significant competition. Over the past few months, they have been desperately trying to bribe students into signing leases, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes. Whether they’re passing out Portillo’s hot dogs in Speaker’s circle, or giving away $100 Amazon gift cards on their Instagram, their goal is to reel in those few students who haven’t opted to live in the ~cooler~ new developments in town. Brookside’s marketing efforts can be described as “extra AF.”

Now Brookside is flooding students Facebook/Instagram timelines with their newest plea to get residents; the Solstice hot tub deck. In theory, a hot tub deck that will be open year-round sounds like a great idea; however, local sexual health specialists disagree.

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A new survey published by the Student Health Center predicts new cases of sexually transmitted diseases will spike amongst Mizzou students in fall 2017.

We spoke with one of the local doctors who participated in the survey. Dr. Sheridan explains, “Our estimates come after hearing about Brookside’s new Solstice hot tub deck, which will be open year round. Many people are unaware that a hot tub can be a breeding ground for infections—including STDs. Mixing drunk college kids with hot tubs is a recipe for disaster.”

We also got the opportunity to speak with a student who recently decided to sign a lease with Brookside Midtown. Sammy Johnson, Mizzou junior, informed us that although he originally had a lease with Rise on 9th, he broke it for Brookside. Johnson explained, “Brookside offered me a $700 Visa gift card to sign, plus I’m stoked to bring drunk ladies back to the Solstice Deck. I can grill them some meat on the grills and then they can handle some of my meat in the tubs if you know what I’m sayin’. It’s going to get wet and wild, in more ways than one.”

Needless to say, the Solstice Deck may attract more Brookside residents, while also attracting some unwanted invisible guests. Only time will tell which STD will break out in true mumps fashion, until fall semester Tigers.

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