Pitt Police Refuse to Bust Party, Terrified of Kinky Theme

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

Late Saturday night, the Pitt Police answered a noise complaint call in South Oakland. Expecting only a routine check on the house and potentially breaking up a party, the officer, who wishes to remain unnamed, was surprised to a young man and two young women walking out of the house to greet him the minute he arrived. Not only was the greeting unusual, but the people who greeted him looked a little odd whenever he met them on the sidewalk.

“The guy, he was wearing the shortest shorts I’ve ever seen on a man… and they were leather! That startled me at first,” the officer recounted with wide eyes, staring into the distance like he could still see these strangers approaching him.  “One girl had makeup smeared across her face and had a textured shirt layered on top of a weirdly patterned turtle neck.  The other girl seemed to be dressed in leather herself. She had a skin-tight skirt and some kind of chainmail on. I didn’t know what to make of it. She was carrying a dog leash too, and it looked like it led back into the door of the party! Who or what was on that leash? I didn’t even want to know.”

As the officer told us his story, we could see the confusion growing again in his eyes.  He took time to pause and we muttered among ourselves guessing what the theme of the mysterious party was.  Ugly?  Tacky?  Orgy? What drunk person thought this was a good idea to wear to a party?

“I’ve seen lots of weird party costumes in my time,” the officer continued a few seconds later.  “Harry Potter and Rednecks parties.  Parties where everyone was dressed in only neon.  I opened my mouth to begin speaking and I saw a guy pull aside the curtain and peek out, wearing some kind of sequined outfit with glitter smeared across every inch of skin showing.  I couldn’t even break up the party, despite the loud music still playing.  I didn’t know what other outfits I’d find people wearing inside that house. I was scared!”

The officer decided to let the kids off the hook, pretending he was only investigating a robbery that had happened down the street. The three partiers went back into their house, satisfied with that answer, and as the officer got back into his car he could hear a loud cheer and the music become even louder.

To drive a cop away, we can only imagine what this scene looked like.  Was it truly that weird and disturbing, or is our poor officer just severely faint of heart?  A fair share of parties in South O get shut down, and this one got off just by having what we can only assume is a weird theme.  It’s a lesson other party throwers can all learn from.

It looks like those involved get to party another day.  We must admit though, we’re curious.  If you have any idea where this party occurred and who it was hosted by, let us know.  We’d love to get an invite next time.