Trump Administration Inspires IV Landlords to Be Extra Bigly Douchebags

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

Since man first lay with woman, be it Adam and Eve procreating in the Garden of Eden or two hairy hunchbacked neanderthals grunting vigorously in a dark cave, man has been preoccupied with the might and magnitude of his member. But fear not, for 2017 has at long last lifted the microphallus from shame to exaltation! President Trump has a small weiner, and that is an (alternative?) fact, ladies and gents. Despite this disadvantage, Trump maintains an absolutely enormous ego, which is inspiring the less-endowed of our society to follow suit. The landlords of Isla Vista, for example, have found themselves so empowered by the president’s blatant compensation that he has become their behavioral role model, as evidenced by their ever-increasing levels of utter douchery.

“A small loan of one million dollars,” is chump change to the Trump train and about the size of the loan that landlords seem to be expecting you and your non-existent credit score to be procuring in order to pay rent. Never mind that you also have to pay your tuition (alas, Betsy “Brainless” DeVos hasn’t abolished higher education yet) AND pay for beer and drugs, which is like, hella expensive, most prickish property owners won’t even pay for your goddamn recycling. Good news, though! Soon the EPA will be dismantled and everyone will know that recycling is for frickin’ nerds that want America to be poor and lame, saving you a couple o’ bucks!

When you can say things like“Grab her by the pussy,” and become president of the United States of America, it means you’re doing a really fucking superb job hiding your undersized schlong. Landlords of IV see this and realize that they too can take whatever they want with zero repercussions, no experience necessary! Since they own the houses you live in, they thereby own your bodies as well and have no qualms arriving unannounced and peering through your bedroom window while you change. But hey, you were definitely asking for it.

Just like Trump blames the somewhat abysmal state of this country on anyone who isn’t a rich white male with a mail-order hooker for a wife, landlords of IV place the blame on the irresponsible student tenants for the abysmal state of the slums they call houses. Sure, the drunk guys peeing everywhere didn’t help the condition of the grass, but neither did the unbelievable wetness of mother nature’s pussy the past few weeks.

And yeah, maybe we shouldn’t have flushed pills down the toilet in a fit of paranoia upon the arrival of the cops at our house party, but the shit-water currently flooding our bathtub is primarily a result of 50 year old plumbing and zero maintenance. Perhaps the landlords are hoping they can make our lives such hell that we’ll go live in Manzanita like lame losers, but the joke’s on them, because they suddenly won’t be able to afford that new jacuzzi for the deck of their yacht without our rent money! HA!

Fuck you very much, President Trump, for enabling all of the itty bitty teeny weeny meany landmasters to act like yuuuuuge bigly douchebags. We implore you to stop setting the precedent that allows creepy old men to bother, bankrupt, and berate us at all hours of the day.

Look no further for your St. Pat’s shirts!