Ranking the Sexiness of UMass Basketball Players by Name Only

author-pic at University of Massachusetts  

The UMass basketball season is underway and the Minutemen are off to a promising start. We’ve all been to the games, but have we ever really seen these guys up close? No, only heard their names called from a mysterious booth somewhere in Mullins. So, to familiarize the student body with our best sports team’s looks, we’re ranking each player’s sexiness solely based on their name. That’s fun, right?

15.) Seth Berger:

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Sorry bro, it’s just hard to disassociate your name with the famous Seths and Bergers out there. Neither of which are known for their sexiness.

14.) Zach Lewis:

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How can a woman be swept off her feet by a man whose name she could easily forget?

13.) Zach Coleman:

zach-coleman

Not very sexy. It’s just too Zach-y, ya know?

12.) Zach Turcotte:

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Turcotte sounds sorta like French royalty. But, uh, still a little too Zach-y to garner any real sex appeal.

11.) Chris Baldwin:

chris-baldwin

Now we’re getting somewhere. This man has ‘win’ in his name, which fits for his athletic career as well as his romantic. And it totally overrides the whole “bald” thing.

10.) C.J. Anderson:

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Sharing a name with a famous athlete helps, especially when your counterpart is *sigh* pretty good. Also going by just initials is mysterious. Almost as if there is a whole other side he’s waiting to reveal to the right suitor.

9.) Rayshawn Miller:

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He has the advantage of two first names mashed into one, leaving us to conclude that he’s the strongest guy on the team. Watch out for muscles here.

8.) Donte Clark:

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This one has a superhero-esk ring to it, doesn’t it? Can’t you picture him saving a cat from a tree before introducing himself to you? “The name’s Clark, Donte Clark.” Very sexy indeed.

7.) Malik Hines:

 malik-hines

The unconventional spelling is so hipster, and so fresh. Malik is the type of guy to bring the style to any relationship.

6.) Rashaan Holloway:

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Rashaan is the perfect name to be yelled by an announcer after a big play. “Ra-shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Holloway, with the slam!” So you can be sure he’s legit, and legitimately sexy.

5.) Luwane Pipkins:

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If you say Luwane fast, it kinda sounds like Lil’ Wayne, so that’s pretty cool. If you say Luwane three times fast in front of a mirror, it’s even cooler.

4.) Dejon Jarreau:

 dejon-j

The Cajun influence has an undeniably attractive appeal—good cook, loves to party, and not afraid to get down and dirty.

3.) Brison Gresham:

brison-g

It’s one letter off from ‘prison,’ so you know that he’s the bad boy on the team. And who doesn’t love a little tension in their romantic life?

2.) Tyrn Flowers:

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He’s a simple kinda man, who doesn’t even need vowels—rugged and individualistic, like the Marlboro cigarette man. But flowers? A charming and sensitive other side to balance him out. We love a guy who’s well rounded.

1.) Unique Mclean:

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He was graced with possibly the greatest name we’ve ever heard. Not only is he automatically the most distinctive person to enter a room, but he’s also the cleanest. When his name is announced during games, both men and women in the crowd have a weird sensation of blood rushing to their groin.