200 Girls at UNCC Have “Sugar Daddies”: Here’s How to Find Yours

author-pic at UNC Charlotte  

Not too long ago, a horny, middle-aged man decided that his million-dollar Ferrari won’t cure his mid-life crisis. No, he needed to get laid. Fast-forward to 2017 and the broke, morally-bankrupt UNCC community is dating these guys in exchange for tuition, books, and their self-esteem. Think of it as a scholarship from life. In fact, over 200 girls at UNCC already have sugar daddies. If you’re looking for some expensive, gnarly dick to pay off those loans, here’s how you find a sugar daddy.

5.) What’s he sporting?:
You think you’ve spotted a sugar daddy. Hold on. That just might be a hip physics professor. Check and see if he’s wearing two-or-more of: stale, brown flip flops that he bought in bulk at a Costco sale (members only); green UNCC t-shirt that he bought at our Union bookstore (“$20 – so cheap!”); a shitty, $80 haircut that mimics a $15 one from Sports Clips (the gel made from swan oil gives it away). If he has the goods, move on to number four.

4.) Where’s the hair?:
He’s suffering a midlife crisis, but, ironically, he’s not willing to get rid of the coat of hair surrounding his body. We don’t even know if the original Norm had as much hair back when he couldn’t afford a waxing. Since he’ll wear shorts and a t-shirt the entire year, you’ll be able to see if his legs are two rods of heavy-duty hair miraculously holding up his upper body. And if there’s not enough of it, check to see if there are tufts of hair sticking up from his collar. Be careful, though. He might think you’re checking him out.

3.) How’s he communicating?:
It might seem like normal talk at first, but pay close attention. You can probably spot if he’s rich. Chances are, he’ll try to hide a southern accent not to seem like a racist; Charlotte is drop of blue in a sea of red so it’s best for him if he’s from Michigan instead of South Carolina. He’ll never blink because he’ll be scanning you face for signs of acceptance that his ex-wives never gave him. Most importantly, he’ll always be leaning on a wall or column; swag is an art, and he’ll be miserably failing at it.

2.) Where’s he standing?:
Speaking of walls, check to see where he’s located. You probably want someone who’s an experienced daddy, since he’ll already know how much cash you’ll need per week. If he’s hanging around Burson or Smith, don’t even look him in the eye. Clearly, he doesn’t know that science girls have their life figured out and don’t need no man in their lives. Now, if he’s sitting cross-legged near Colvard, he’s probably checking out every sorority girl that passes him. Those Ray Bans reflect the size of his ego. And his wallet.

1.) Is he a registered sex offender?:
Hanging out next to UNCC students, it makes you wonder. Check to see the plethora of sugar daddy websites and sex offender lists if he’s got it all right in the head. Just like real life scholarships, you’ve got to do some work.

Bill Gates once said that he’d rather hire a lazy person because he’ll figure out the fastest way to do something. So instead of diligently searching for scholarships (ninerscholars.uncc.edu), support your local sugar daddies! They’ll be too happy to exchange some Benjamins for a glamorous look at your sex organs. Don’t forget to use condoms. You can get them for free at the Student Health Center placed there by the campus doctors. All sugar daddies.