Top 10 Thoughts You Have During The Kalamazoo Walk of Shame

author-pic at Western Michigan University  

Bad decision? Good decision? Who cares? You still have to walk home carrying your heels on your Kalamazoo walk of shame. Why did they make Michigan Avenue on a hill, again? 

10.) Oh no, it’s raining:
I totally should’ve woken him up and made him drive me home all the way from Campus Court. Although, I’d rather walk in the rain than endure the awkward sober conversation that we both don’t want to have. I guess I don’t know if that was a raindrop or my last ounce of dignity falling from the sky.

9.) Again?:
I promised myself this wouldn’t happen again and now look. That makes for the fourth time this school year. I should change my address to “69 Poundtown Ave.” 

8.) I hate him, er, I mean myself:
I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that he didn’t want to cuddle last night on his dirty twin-sized bed or that I don’t even know this kid’s last name. His roommate walked in, and I’m pretty sure I grabbed a portrait of his family from the bedside table and threw it at the door.   

7.) I hope I never see him again:
Imagine how awkward that would be seeing him on campus. Maybe I can ask Buster Bronco if I can be the mascot all next week so he doesn’t recognize me. Oh wait, we met in sociology and I’ll see him tomorrow at 12:30 in Sangren.

6.) He’s probably going to text me later:
He will text me later, right?! Maybe even a letter in the mail? At least a dick pic Snapchat? At this point I’d probably accept a Twitter favorite.  

5.) OMG, Becky from chem is on a run right now:
She is coming right towards me. Why the hell is Becky from chem on a run at 7 a.m. She’s a workout fanatic who now knows I got laid last night. “Oh hey Becky, yeah see you in class tomorrow.” 

4.) I’m going to own this walk of shame:
Yeah Becky, I got laid last night and you didn’t. So I’m going to own this like a catwalk down the runway. She called me Princess Laid-uh as she ran away… This is what rock bottom feels like.

3.) Damn you Grotto, for your $3 Long Islands last night:
Congratulations, you made a generous 4 look like a 10 last night, and now I have to go explain to my roommates why I can’t show them pictures of him from his social media accounts once they wake up. No joke, homie had frosted tips. 

2.) I left my sweater at his house so now I HAVE to go back:
I really don’t even care if he calls or not, but I kind of accidentally left my sweater there and now I have to go back. Okay fine, it wasn’t an accident. Here’s to hoping he keeps a key under his front mat. 

1.) Someone get me makeup remover and a hairbrush:
I’m a block away finally. All I need is this extra-small dress off and my own bed. I hope my roommates are sleeping so I don’t have to explain this. Oh great, forgot my key! I’ll just sleep on my doormat until they hear me crying from the porch.