6 Reasons to Be Thankful You Don’t Go to Clemson
The only thing worse than going to Clemson is… well, nothing. For starters, that means you go to Clemson, and we here at The Black Sheep can’t think of a worse punishment. As a celebration for the kickoff of rivalry week, we’ve narrowed down thousands of reasons into these six reasons to be thankful you don’t go to Clemson:
6.) Their “Downtown” is Like Three Bars and a Chipotle:
If Five Points is the crown jewel of Columbia nightlife, downtown Clemson is like one of those plastic rings you get out of a grocery store candy machine for 25¢. Sure, you could wear it, but that begs the question…why would you want to? Cheap beer, cheaper décor, no live music, bars close at midnight on a Saturday, and we cannot reiterate this point enough, there are only like three bars.
5.) Orange Is Not Flattering on Anyone:
Orange is the New Black is a critically acclaimed television show, not a style guide for your wardrobe. It doesn’t matter who you are, orange is flattering on literally no one, so unless you’re begging to bring out the carroty undertones in your red, red neck—skip it.
4.) You Don’t Live in Constant Fear of Being Mauled by a Cow:
Do cows maul people? We here at Carolina wouldn’t know, largely because we live in a city. Clemson University is located in the heart of Clemson, South Carolina. Which is to say, Clemson University is located in the middle of fucking nowhere. The only thing in Clemson is Clemson, so if you’re looking to escape school for even an hour or two, your best bet is probably to crawl in a barn and hope no one hears your sobs of agony in regards to your decision to attend a school on a former antebellum cotton plantation.
3.) Clemson’s Most Notable Alumni is Nikki Haley:
Sure, she’s the first female governor of South Carolina, but how well can she sing “Wagon Wheel”?
2.) “Cripmas Party”:
Clemson, just get your shit together.
1.) The Tiger:
The Clemson Tiger has seen better days. Clem’s mascot looks like Tony-the-Tiger got coked out of his mind and woke up the next morning missing several key organs. Better yet, the Clemson Tiger looks like he’s guilty of taking one too many Adderall in his lifetime, which might hit a little too close to home for Clemson students.
This Thanksgiving, don’t forget to hold hands with your family and be thankful you don’t go to Clemson. As always, GO COCKS!
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: