You love college, and you love Carolina. But just because you love something doesn’t mean it can’t drive you crazy, and we get that. So as you limp through finals with the energy of a one-legged Galapagos tortoise, here’s a reminder of all the things you won’t miss once you’re out of here:
6.) Tripping on Stray Bricks in the Horseshoe:
Anyone who’s spent more than five minutes sitting in the Horseshoe can tell you two things; 1) the Live Oaks provide lovely picturesque shade, and 2) those brick pathways are an elaborate plot to see you sprawled out face first on the ground wondering where your dignity went. We aren’t saying those stray bricks are possessed, but if someone tried to tell us that the bricks in the Horseshoe had become sentient, banded together, and were using their collective intelligence to wreak havoc upon unsuspecting students— we’d believe them.
5.) The Ambient French Fry Odor Surrounding Russell House:
So, you decided to eat healthy and spend more time at Strom this semester, huh? That must be easy, especially when you can smell those Chick-fil-A waffle fries wafting through the doors of Russell and out onto Greene. Oh, sorry what was that? You quit your diet and have been shoveling said fries into your slack jawed mouth for the past hour and a half? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
4.) Honors Students Casually Bringing Up That They’re Honors Students:
It’s one of the top Honors colleges in the nation, and we know it. What’s more important is that the Honors students know it, knows you know it, and needs you to know they know it, too. We didn’t know this was something you could name-drop, so shoutout to Honors students for dropping Honors more often than Kanye drops Dwayne Wade.
3.) Sitting in Your Parked Car in the Road Waiting for a Completely Stationary Train to Pick Up and Move So You Can Go About Your Day:
You were going to U-turn and get out of here, but some jackass in a Subaru blocked your way and now you have no choice but to sit here, increasingly aware of how much you need to urinate, while this completely dead-in-the-water immobile locomotive just sits there. As far as we’re concerned, Thomas the Tank Engine can go fuck himself.
2.) Parking (or Lack Thereof):
At this point South Carolina students could probably plaster McKissick from head to toe with all the parking tickets we’ve accrued over the semester. What? You didn’t want to have our museum covered 360º in unpaid parking tickets? Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you decided paying $400 a semester was an acceptable amount to pay for a spot in a parking garage.
1.) That Street You Just Turned Down is Blocked by a Marathon/ Festival/ Tournament/ Market:
As the capital of South Carolina, Columbia is host to a bevy of activities. What that means for you is that any given weekend, you’re bound to turn down a street blocked off for pedestrians, be forced to crawl at a 2mph pace to take some weird circuitous route that inevitably dumps you 200 feet from your desired location. But let’s be honest, if they make a calendar that announces the next chili competition/ Walk for (X) Disease/ food festival/ music thing, you’re willfully ignoring it at this point.
As a wise man once said, “If your college is constantly pissing you off, go home for a few weeks and remember what it’s like to live with your parents.”
Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.