An official from the Office of the Mayor Stephen K. Benjamin announced the City Council’s decision to renew the 500-year property lease on the area located within the Seventh Circle of Hell. The zone encompasses the Columbia, South Carolina city limits and neighboring communities.
Representatives from the Council defended their decision even after temperatures reached a high of 103° Fahrenheit over the weekend. Councilwoman Leona Plaugh issued the following statement; “Some people have questioned the city founders’ decision to sign a lease with the King of the Bottomless Pit in the first place, but there’s nothing to be done about it now. What do you suggest, we just move the entire city somewhere that isn’t scourged by heat and adjacent to a river of boiling blood and pestilent fire? Not on my watch!”
Columbia native Councilman Howard E. Duvall felt similarly, “I’ve lived here my entire life. What’s our city motto? That’s right— Famously Hot! It says so on a big sign right when you drive into the city. I’m not about to be the Councilman that sees that sign change to read Famously a Perfectly Reasonable Temperature!”
Most Columbia residents have been indifferent to the City Council’s decision to resume a financial partnership with the Lucifer, Son of Perdition, as their primary concern is that the high lease renewal fee might see an equal rise in temperature.
“Big deal, Columbia is hot,” said one faculty member at the University of South Carolina. “It could be worse. Everyone knows the Center of Hell is located in Atlanta. Why do you think the song is called ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’?”
“All this financial talk is exhausting. I’ll tell you what, when it comes down to who’s got a hand in our finances I think I’d take the Prince of Darkness over Alan Greenspan any day of the week,” commented one exasperated Columbia citizen.
The City Council chose not to comment on whether or not this decision was in any way correlated to the first ring’s rapid gentrification of the neighboring rings of the Seventh Circle of Hell.