In an unprecedented move, thousands of South Carolina students gathered Monday to attempt the first intervention for an incognizant, non-corporeal entity. The intervention, led by junior Adam Messina, was staged in order to combat the high fluctuation of temperatures typical of a South Carolina winter.
“Winter seriously needs to get its shit together,” said Messina, speaking through a megaphone to a crowd on Greene Street. “30 degrees in the morning, 60 degrees by the afternoon, and spontaneous bouts of rain? These kind of temperature swings have got to stop!”
The gathering, dubbed “Wintervention”, has gained significant attention, as many students share Messina’s belief that Winter has spiraled out of control.
“It’s just like, how the hell do you dress for this?” said engineering student Amy Holmes. “I’ve taken to carrying a backpack full of raincoats, heavy sweaters, a parka, umbrellas, shorts, t-shirts, sunglasses, a bikini, galoshes, wool socks, a bucket hat and free-heel skis, just in case.”
First year psychology student Jane Abramson has accepted the challenge of moderating the intervention between the thousands of inconvenienced students demanding that the abstract concept of Winter receive psychological counsel.
“It’s obvious that Winter has some psychological demons she—it?—isn’t dealing with. How else do you explain this erratic behavior? The manic high temperatures in the afternoons coupled with those depressive cold mornings and nights? Not to mention the crying every couple days,” said Abramson.
When asked if she was in any way qualified to lead this Wintervention, Ms. Abramson shifted awkwardly from side to side for several long moments before responding, “I don’t—that’s not—I mean I’m not like, not qualified.”
The university has yet to release an official statement regarding Wintervention, although several faculty members have expressed varying degrees of concern, disgust, and outright confusion. Associate Professor of Psychology Andrew Helms referred to Wintervention as an, “unmitigated disaster” and a, “ham-fisted, irresponsible attempt at psychological counseling and an affront to qualified counselors everywhere”.
“I don’t know why my professor is so up in arms about it. It’s not like we attempted ritualistic sacrifice,” said senior Jessica Williams, after a thoughtful moment, adding; “Hey—you don’t think Winter would go for that, do you?”
The Black Sheep looks forward to reporting more on this story as it develops.