UGA Takes Drastic Measures to Boost Winter Sporting Event Attendance

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Noticing a completely unexpected lack of student attendance in the 2017 winter sporting events season, UGA Athletics has decided to increase efforts to draw more student crowds.

Initial attempts to identify the cause of the decline in student turnout led many UGA employees reporting the harsh winter as a leading factor, with others fixating on a lack of fun giveaways.

“I definitely think we need more bobbleheads,” said UGA Athletics Promotions Director Beth Hibbert. “As a student, imagine how exciting it is to see one of your peers as a bobblehead. A more privileged, more appealing, six-figure destined peer, but a peer nonetheless!”

“Psh, 60 degrees outside? That’s too cold for me,” said UGA student and part time basketball usher Sam Bick, who claimed to understand why their was a lack of students standing outside of Stegeman Coliseum this past Saturday for tickets to the men’s basketball game against Kentucky. “Watching us lose to NCAA champs isn’t worth freezing outside,” he said, standing there in his shorts and Chacos.

Other employees struggled to make sense of any possible issues at play. “I’m just baffled that students aren’t taking advantage of free tickets to a women’s basketball game. Baffled,” said Ticket and Sales Director Brian Ferguson. “I mean, what else are kids doing on a Friday night?”

For students, many described the idea of going to a UGA sporting event as too much effort for little pay off, making it “a whole thing,” according to Sophomore Lee Bali. “You gotta reach for your UGA ID, remember to bring it in the first place, give it to them to scan, and then put it back in your pocket? It’s like, ‘I just wanted free pizza, not a workout!’ But then, they just give you a free slice of pizza? It’s like, ‘Don’t be so desperate!’ And then after the game, now I have to drive home? It’s like, ‘Where’d I park my Solara?’” Bali’s concerns, oddly enough, resonated with many other students.

Moving forward, UGA Promotions promises to fill seats in any way possible. New measures include guaranteeing each student in attendance a minimum of one-second of jumbotron screen time, brand new t-shirt cannon cannons, and the opportunity to punch Spike in the face if you stay the entire game. “There’s even talks to hire more C-list rappers,” said Ferguson. “We have it on good authority that K Camp is always available. Always.”

“With our enormous promotions budget, we want to spend wisely on giveaways that students are sure to love,” said Hibbert. “That’s why for the next sponsored basketball game, we’ve gone ahead and preordered 50,000 UGA vuvuzelas and thundersticks. And according to the calendar, the sponsor is–oh–The Athens Deaf Association. Well, this is awkward.” Following this realization, Hibbert proceeded to stare out of the window for eleven minutes.

Elsewhere, additional digital efforts include outsourcing the “Commit to the G” app to a software company that actually knows how to code, as well as promises to promote events on social media without a Migos reference.

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