DePaul’s Most Irrelevant Sports Teams Ranked by Hotness

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It comes as no surprise that DePaul’s sports teams struggle to maintain any shred of relevance, especially when we have a better track record of churning out C-list actors than pro basketball players. Just ask Steve from Stranger Things! Even though our sports teams aren’t actually relevant, the players are pretty attractive and that counts for something.

Here’s our ranking of DePaul’s hottest sports teams:

Irrelevant Sports Teams

7.) Cross Country:
Does this team actually exist?

6.) Track and Field:
It’s hard to pinpoint where the track and field team lies on this graph because it consists of so many different events. This team doesn’t have much going for it, so hopefully they know how to pole vault because working a pole might be their biggest advantage.

5.) Basketball:
Unfortunately, coddled egos aren’t hot. Even though DePaul has invested literally millions of dollars trying to convince us all that the basketball team is even remotely important, the only people buying it are the players.

4.) Rowing:
The DePaul rowing team is only relevant if you know somebody on the team, but they were automatically demoted because they don’t have the super sexy Winklevoss twins (or any twins on the team for that matter). What they do have though, are one-piece spandex uniforms, and if that isn’t hot we don’t know what is.

3.) Soccer:
Everyone knows soccer players are hot, but so far, DePaul has yet to recruit any David Beckham spawns, so that’s a serious hit to their hotness credibility. If anything, all these soccer players have is endurance or, as Mr. President Elect would say, “stamina.” Fortunately, they remain relevant, but only because they practice in perfect view from the Fullerton stop and right under that creepy mural of Vinny.

2.) Volleyball:
Seeing girls bent over in spandex booty shorts is every middle school boy’s wet dream, so this automatically places the volleyball team above most of the other teams at DePaul.

1.) Golf:
Fifty-fifty chance you actually knew that DePaul had a golf team, but boy do these guys know how to get their balls into holes. Plus, a good portion of the team is from England, and everyone knows nothing makes panties wet like an accent. Even if their game isn’t good, their looks are up to par.

While DePaul may never excel in athletics, there will always be some pretty hot athletes lurking around campus. Even if these hotties don’t tickle your fancy, there’s a long list of club sports that nobody cares about, too! Like water polo…or dodge ball.

WHY DO WE GO TO A SCHOOL WHERE THE AIR IS PAINFUL?