The Four Main Reasons DePaul Isn’t In The Final Four
According to our sports analyst, DePaul’s basketball team “used to be relevant.” The players used to be able to throw the balls into the hoops and be tall and everything! Unfortunately, in recent years, the Blue Demons have been doing poorly in the annual NCAA tournament, commonly called “March Madness.” Hilary Duff would be so disappointed. Obviously, this dramatic drop in the competence of our basketball team warrants a formal investigation by our sports analyst at The Black Sheep! Here are the four reasons DePaul isn’t in the Final Four this year.
4.) We Aren’t Paying Our Coaches Enough Money:
Our head basketball coach, Dave Leitao, just isn’t making enough money. Poor guy. His annual salary is only $586,751. He’s almost in poverty! It’s possible that the Blue Demons aren’t performing well because their coach isn’t motivated enough. After all, he only receives half a million dollars worth of our tuition payments to manage a sport that no one at this school actually cares about. Maybe giving him more of our crippling debt-inducing tuition will make our basketball team better.
3.) Our Stadium Isn’t Receiving Enough Public Funds:
DePaul, in a desperate attempt to increase the relevance of our women’s basketball team, is building a new basketball stadium that will be larger, more impressive, and just as out-of-the-way as its predecessor. The new stadium is being largely funded by the City of Chicago. DePaul is actually only putting forward 35% of the money for our new stadium. However, it is possible that our basketball team’s performance is being affected by having to pay too much! Perhaps the city should pay for more of the stadium so that our team does better (even though there are poor parts of Chicago having their public schools closed down that would clearly benefit more from the funds that are going towards building a pointless college basketball stadium).
2.) Global Warming:
As global temperatures rise and glaciers melt, our planet is experiencing all sorts of changes that affect all levels of life. Chicago didn’t see any significant snow in January or February for the first time in recorded history. These changes have also been affecting wildlife: upsetting migrations, mating patterns, and collegiate basketball performance. Chicago’s changing climate is affecting the delicate sensitivity of our basketball players, keeping them from .
1.) Sports are Dumb and Don’t Matter:
Like, seriously, it’s just a bunch of unusually large guys trying to throw a ball the best they possibly can. Why do we give it such significance in our lives? Why do we care about sports at all? Anyway, DePaul is doing so poorly because sports are dumb, so who cares? Not the sports analyst at The Black Sheep, that’s who.
There are many reasons why the Blue Demons didn’t make it into the tournament, but we may never know the truth behind our sports administration’s incompetence. The only thing that’s certain is that DePaul students don’t care about the waste of money that is basketball.
Done reading? Listen to our podcast!