Jonathan Isaac Attends FSU Women’s Tournament After Not Showing Up to Men’s
According to sources close to The Black Sheep, Florida State freshman forward Jonathan Isaac was spotted attending the FSU women’s basketball game against Oregon Saturday, relieving family, friends, and fans alike.
Anxiety within the organization began when, last Saturday, Jonathan Isaac was nowhere to be found almost immediately after tip off as the FSU men’s basketball team faced Xavier in the NCAA tournament. Players and coaches alike could be seen on the sideline staring wildly around for Isaac, whispering into one another’s ears, and chugging gallons of milk with a “Missing: Jonathan Isaac” advertisement on the side.
With whole milk dripping down their jerseys and faces, FSU players sported puzzled looks and wandered aimlessly around the three-point line, shrugging their shoulders and reading old copies of Basketball for Dummies as if they didn’t belong on the court at all.
The box score tells a unique story, confirming that Isaac made as many three pointers as coach Leonard Hamilton, who was seen heaving basketballs towards the hoop from the sidelines in an effort to put some points on the board for the lost squad. Frustrated, Hamilton gave up sometime in the second half, returning to his gallons of whole milk, sometimes submerging his entire face into the thick white liquid.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Hamilton explained when asked about his new milk diet. “Without Jonathan, all hope seems lost. I know I shouldn’t, but I turn to my one true love, whole milk, when I’m feeling down. Everyone has their vice I suppose.”
At one point, Leonard pulled out his iPhone 7 and opened the maps application, typing in “Sweet Sixteen” into the destination search bar hoping that would be able to put the passive-looking team onto the right path. However, the estimated time of arrival was well over a year, and once again, Hamilton returned to his whole milk while silently weeping and staring at the “Missing: Jonathan Isaac” notice on the back.
When approached at the women’s game Saturday, Isaac pulled his hoodie over his head claiming “no one was home” when reporters began asking him questions, and he was heard audibly humming Simple Plan’s Perfect.
After our reporters’ repeated attempts at questioning, Isaac rose from his seat, screamed, “I’M SORRY I CAN’T BE PERFECT”, and stormed away from reporters with whole milk spilling out from his shorts.
Sources close to Isaac confirm he returned to his dorm, ignored all attempts at contact, and began to loudly play Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car. The Black Sheep will continue to post updates as more information is revealed.
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