5 Rejected Fundraisers for Battle of The Valleys 2017

author-pic at Grand Valley State University  

Every year, Grand Valley State and Saginaw Valley State come together and raise money for a worthy charity and the amount raised gets announced at the football game. This year, money raised will go to the Laker’s Children Fund. The following 5 charities were left out in the cold this year as they weren’t deemed worthy enough of students precious dollars.

5.) Brian’s GoFundMe for Winter 2018 Tuition:

Brian has a lot of bills to pay dammit! Someone pay the man! Sure, his dad’s a lawyer and his mom’s a doctor, but they already bought Brian the largest meal plan and a fancy new car and want him to learn the real value of a dollar, so Brian started a GoFundMe to stay jobless. Grand Valley’s administration denied his request for the funds to go to him because it didn’t benefit a group with “real need.” What a shame.

4.) The Drain Lake Michigan Initiative:

Some biology students are very upset about aquatic invasive species in the Great Lakes. These Lakers want to raise money to get rid of these pests! They plan to drain all of Lake Michigan to get those pricks out. No one knows if this is ethical or feasible, but that sure ain’t stopping this group. GVSU denied this application over “concerns regarding the legality of draining Lake Michigan–a major drinking water source.” Whimps! If GV won’t stand up to this submarine ringworm, who will?

3.) The Brazzers College Scholarship Initiative:

The well-known adult movie-maker wants to help Grand Valley Students out with their tuition bills! Brazzers proposed a scholarship fund for needy Lakers that struggle to make payments for the upcoming semester. For every new premium membership, Brazzers will donate $1 to the Laker Scholarship Fund but wait, there’s more! Everyone that signs up with their GVSU.edu email will get an additional dollar donated to the scholarship fund (definitely not a virus). The administration shot this proposal down, citing “ethical concerns.”

2.) T. Haas Statue:

This was a proposal everyone could get behind! Students wanted to destroy the clocktower and put a 100-foot statue of the man, the myth, the legend: T. Haas. T. Haas approved this proposal himself (what a surprise?). Although the project received permission, internal strife over the pose and quote on the base prevented this project from taking off. Some Lakers wanted to make the T. Haas statue dab with a cowboy hat and have the base read “SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS,” while others wanted to give him a squirt gun and have the base read “GET WET, LAKERS.” Unfortunately, the two sides never reconciled their differences.

1.) Auction for GVSU Landmarks:

Several Lakers thought it would be a good idea to have an auction for Grand Valley’s famous landmarks. Some landmarks marked for auction include: Little Mak, the Cook Carillon Tower, and the blue arch thingy that has a real name but no one can remember it anyway. Lakers were ecstatic about the prospect of owning a little piece of Grand Valley, with the planned opening bid to start at $15. The fun police administration shot down this idea with an official statement, “Grand Valley owns these landmarks and has no plans on selling them.” GVSU, once again, killing the dreams of students by selling unneeded items for charity.

Although these proposals didn’t get enough support to become the official charity of the BOV, there’s always next year!