McKinley Reports Dozens of New Cases of Basketball Seasonal Depression

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McKinley’s Mental Health Center has been experiencing a surge in appointments in the wake of yet another disappointing season for the Illini basketball program. Counselors are assuring people that Basketball Seasonal Depression is a normal thing for students at the university to be experiencing around this time of year.

Retta Cobb, the head of the Mental Health Unit, affirmed this sentiment when asked about the implications of this health crisis.

“Look, I’ve seen this every year for the past decade or so,” commented Cobb. “Rest assured, the McKinley Health Center is adequately prepared to treat BSD and encourages any student experiencing symptoms that are associated with it to seek help. I’d recommend making an appointment early though, as our next opening isn’t until Reading Day.”

Sufferers of Basketball Seasonal Depression have reported sweaty palms, yelling obscenities at the TV, and having an intense, unexplained hatred for the Wisconsin Badgers. Orange Krush VP Tim Odin at first was in denial of his prognosis but is now an open advocate for people with BSD.

“I just remember being in the stands and glancing at the scoreboard to see that we were down by 17 points with two minutes left,” Odin recalled. “I was half-assing all the chants we had practiced and instead of feeling orange and blue, I was just feeling blue. But hey, there’s always next season. I’ve been saying that for the past three years but I’ve got a really good feeling.”

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