Manure Smell Actually Rotting Carcass of Illini Sports Program
Students walking around Champaign Tuesday morning were greeted by a familiar smell that they usually encounter at a campus bar bathroom or a Six Pack bathroom after Wine Night.
“Not only is the University of Illinois an ugly school except for the dumb Quad, it also smells like cow poop,” said frustrated Illini Doug Stevens. “People keep telling me it’s from the Urbana South Farms, but I’m not buying it. It has to be something else.”
New reports are claiming that the awful smell actually has to do with the struggling Illini athletic program.
“We deeply regret the suffering of students and faculty who are forced to deal with this ungodly smell,” said a somber Josh Whitman, Illinois Athletic Director. “The smell comes from a carcass rotting in the middle of Memorial Stadium that we have yet to get rid of. Unfortunately, no one wants to be in the stadium, so we have no one to get rid of it.”
The symbolic rotting carcass and its stench have upset many people around campus, but no one is hurting more than Illini football coach Lovie Smith.
“I’m getting $21 million to coach an awful football team made up of guys I didn’t recruit and this is how they repay me? Extremely well?” said Smith. “It makes me happy that John Groce’s beautiful nose won’t be victim to the awful smell and the deterioration of the Illinois athletic program.”
McKinley Health Center urges students to simply plug their noses for the next few years and wait for an Illini team to make an NCAA Tournament game or bowl game.