4 Basketball Players Maryland Needs to Try to Recruit Since We Lost All the Good Ones

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UMD men’s basketball is looking down. With Melo gone, Damonte Dodd graduating, and Justin Jackson declaring for this year’s draft, Mark Turgeon is curled up in the fetal position somewhere in the Xfinity Center (bonus points to anyone who can locate him). As soon as he’s feeling better, though, the program has got to start looking for new recruits for next season. Here are a few of our suggestions:

4.) Shaquille O’Neal:

Projected Points Per Game: 25.2
Projected Rebounds Per Game: 12.5
Projected Dance-off battles: 6

With Damonte Dodd gone after this season, the Terps are in need of a new resident big man. Fortunately, Shaq-Fu has one last season of eligibility left. Just imagine the announcements everywhere: “Shaq signs for Terps as a grad transfer, surprising and confusing everyone.” You bet your sweet buns that Purdue and Michigan State are gonna shit their pants. All of college basketball will cower in fear of the Big Shaq Diesel, not only for being known for his ability to ball out, but also to out-dance any opponent. Be scared, B1G Ten. Be very scared.

3.) My Dad:

Proj. PPG: 13.9
Proj. Assists Per Game: 7.1
Proj. Amount of Times I’ll Be Asked About What I’m Doing After Graduation: 22.6

Coming in at a B1G 6’4 and 260 pounds, my Dad is sure to crush the conference in the same way that he crushed my dreams as a child… slowly but surely. My dad would probably be the poster child of the team, but instead of holding a couple books in his hand, he’d be holding all of the speeding tickets I’ve accumulated over the past couple of years. I imagine my dad dribbling down the court with the same style as Melo but with none of the hair. That’s pretty intimidating if you ask me.

2.) Bill Murray:

Proj. PPG: 18.8
Proj. Steals Per Game: 10.2
Proj. Number of Reasons Why He’s a Legend: 10000000000000

As if his performance in Space Jam wasn’t enough to warrant him a spot in the NBA All-Star game, Turgeon should look to the GOAT himself to lead the team to the championship. Bill Murray would use the same sort of insight he needed to beat the Monstars and translate it into slaughtering Rutgers by himself. You may be thinking, “Space Jam is just a movie, Bill Murray can’t actually hoop.” But guess what buddy? You’re fucking wrong. Bill Murray does whatever the hell Bill Murray wants. If he wants to play for the Terps, he will.

1.) A Kangaroo:

Proj. PPG: 20.6
Proj. Blocks per Game: 7.7
Proj. Number of times it would get into an on-court fight: 73

Mark Turgeon loves raw athletic talent and he’d be getting that from pretty much any kangaroo. Kangaroos are not only incredibly quick, but those mofos also have a crazy vertical because, well, you know. Turgeon should know that these marsupials are prepared to deliver pain to the Terps’ rivals like they deliver kicks to potential threats. Now its ok to think recruiting a kangaroo is a long shot, but just think of one of those babies coming in and dunking on EVERYBODY. How cool would that be? Plus, nothing in the rulebook says a kangaroo can’t play! They only remembered to ban dogs.