College Football Coaches Poll: Who Lasts Longest in a Cage Match?

author-pic at University of Maryland  

The college football Coaches Poll was released on Thursday afternoon, and it’s got everyone thinking the same thing: what Division I coach would ultimately win a Royal Rumble-style cage match with prison-style rules, broadcast live in front of worldwide audiences? The Black Sheep’s here to settle all of those arguments once and for all with our list of coaches most likely to tear each other limb-from-limb in a cage match for the ages:

10.) Butch “The Bulldozer” Jones — University of Tennessee:
The Bulldozer cracks the top 10 with a surprising arsenal of ring-ready moves, among them The Ferris Wheel, an homage to his alma mater, Ferris State. The move is a combination of the a cartwheel and scissor-kicks that once put Brian Kelly in a coma for three weeks.

9.) Gassy Malzahn — Auburn University:
Malzahn is known in most fighting circles as “being a lil’ bitch,” according to one close source, though we think his intuitiveness for avoiding physical contact against bigger and stronger coaches could prove to be a plus when the ring is full.

8.) Charlie Strong — University of South Florida:
Strength is in his goddamn last name, and Charles Rene Strong will not let you live that down when he’s got you in a Southern Florida-style chokehold.

7.) Dan “The Hair” Holgorsen — West Virginia University:
Holgorsen could have easily cracked the top 5 had it not been for his lengthy flow that overcompensates for a hairline that starts behind his ears. If he decides to go for a buzz cut before Fight Night, we might be in for an upset, folks.

6.) Urban Meyer — The Ohio State University:

Close your eyes. Relax your body, and feel as you fall into a deep, relaxing slumber. You dream of a grazing meadow, the sun peaking over the green hills of Central Ohio. You’ve never felt so relaxed. Suddenly, darkness envelops your surroundings, and the hills are instantly ablaze. Blood-curdling screams can be heard from villages away. You hear a ruffle from the woods behind you, and Urban springs toward you in nothing but a loincloth, his mouth covered in blood. Good luck.

5.) Jim Harbaugh — University of Michigan:

Voted most likely to fix the match before it occurs, Harbaugh will likely throw a few jabs before watching the ring collapse beneath his fellow coaches into a cauldron of boiling acid. Cue the maniacal laugh.

4.) Paul “The Anti-” Chryst — University of Wisconsin:
With Wisconsin sensibilities and an overall Midwestern charm, Chryst was acquitted of fourth-degree murder—the act of convincing someone else to murder someone else for you—in the fall of 2002. Known to sweet-talk out of tight situations and scream “Mercy!” only to punch you in the face right after, Chryst could very well kick some serious ass.

3.) “The Stormin’ Mormon” Kyle Whittingham — University of Utah:
Just as Mormons believe that Jesus paid for the sins of the world, Whittingham will make you pay for being in the same ring as him. Tip: Don’t say the Lord’s name in vein, or you’re likely to book a one-way ticket to hell, courtesy of Whittingham.

2.) Lincoln Riley :
A rookie in the head coaching sphere, Riley has a lot to prove in his first coaches cage match. At 33, Riley is the youngest coach this year. What he will lose in wisdom he will gain in agility and strength, which are needed down the stretch when coaches resort to war of the words.

1.) Nick “Die-Nasty” Saban — University of Alabama:

The pent-up anger of soiled perfection will become abundantly clear once Saban enters the ring, and will most likely scream a guttural chant directed solely at Dabo Swinney. Las Vegas betting houses have Saban at 2:1 to kill everyone is his waking path, so other coaches, beware.