3-9 Reasons Michigan Won’t Win a Single Game This Season

author-pic at Michigan State University  

Now is the time to buy stock in Michigan football. Disappointing season after disappointing season caused it to plummet to record lows, forcing some to abandon ship and find another team to root for that they have no affiliation towards. Then came the return of the prodigal son, Jesus Harbaugh. Within seconds, the stock price skyrocketed, fueled by overconfidence and empty promises. After back-to-back 10 win seasons and 3rd place finishes, profits are climbing and spirits are high, however, come November, there will be a fire sale in Ann Arbor. Here’s why:

8.) They open up against Florida:
Tim Tebow went there. He’s even holier than Harbaugh.

7.) The Cleveland Browns:
After Jabrill Peppers, any potential first-round draft pick out of Michigan will now have to fear living in Ohio.

6.) 666:
Three players wear #6. That can’t be a good sign.

5.) ← Returning starters:
Who cares if they return the fewest starters in the country? They bring back the 9 million dollar man, which is all that really matters.

4.) Halloween weekend:
Rutgers is on the calendar. Nothing would be scarier than a loss to the Scarlet Knights.

3.) Jim Harbaugh’s khakis:
The switch from Walmart to Lululemon could prove costly. Lululemon Wolverines will never catch on.

2.) Jalen Watts-Jackson:
The man, the myth, the legend makes his return to the big house.

1.) Air Force & Cincinnati:
Jim Harbaugh has never beaten the Falcons or Bearcats.

Let’s stick with 8 since that’s how many wins the Spartans will end up with. Next year look for 8-5 reasons Michigan will repeat their winless season.