UMN Student Oddly Relieved Gopher Football Takes Another Loss

author-pic at University of Minnesota  

Stephen Jackson, a junior in CBS, is feeling relieved his UMN football team lost again this weekend due to a bet he made with a friend at the University of Wisconsin that Gopher football would blow again this year.

“I bet my friend over in Madtown that the Gophers would lose most of their games this season,” Jackson explained. “Based on the previous seasons I figured the Gophs would stink up the joint like normal.”

The Gophers won their first three games at TCF, but the most recent two have ended in defeat.

“I made the bet at the beginning of the season, and if by some miracle we win the majority of our games, I have to eat cheese curds until I puke,” Jackson said, gagging. “But if we end up doing well, and my asshole Wisconsonite friend wins the bet, he has to rep a College Republicans shirt and stand outside the Washington Avenue Pedestrian Bridge.”

Jackson’s friend, Ben Higgins, is much more amused by this bet than his timid westerner friend.

“These few wins don’t scare me. Badgers always come out on top; I mean, look who’s won the axe every freakin’ year,” Higgins said loudly belching, as crumpled beer cans clattered to the floor. “I’ve built up an immunity to cheese curds, as you might expect, and it’s gonna be sweet seeing Steve-o forcing them into his reluctant face hole.”

“The thing is, it’s tough to predict since we have the new coach and all,” Jackson said. “But honestly, even though I love Minnesota, I’d rather not have to eat a pile of cheese curds the size of a compact car. There is a glimmer of hope we’ll keep losing though, and my digestive system will be spared if we keep going in the direction we have been these last two games.” 

While this bet may seem strange and traitorous, Jackson says things like this are nothing new for him.“I figure, if you expect to lose and you do, you’re really not surprised. Maybe they should apply that philosophy on the field.”