Notre Dame Football Fans Dismayed to Hear Wimbush’s Arm Still Uninjured
South Bend, IN—Reports coming out in the wake of the Irish’s 52-17 trouncing of Miami (OH) have stated that quarterback Brandon Wimbush is in a walking boot and has possibly suffered a fractured foot. The Notre Dame fanbase, cautiously optimistic after a 4-1 start and new position at No. 21 in the AP Poll, reacted with collective anguish that Wimbush’s right throwing shoulder, arm, forearm, hand, and fingers all remain intact.
“He’s hurt? Oh god, please tell me he tore his rotator cuff,” said senior, and Stanford RA, Eric Pembroke. “His FOOT? Great, just what we needed: Brandon to become more of a pocket passer. This is gonna make DeShone’s performance against NC State look like Montana in the Chicken Soup Game.”
Freshman Erin Mulroney echoed a similar sentiment.
“One of my first sports memories is watching Rex Grossman play in the Super Bowl against the Colts. After that, I threw all my jerseys out the window and didn’t go to school for a week. I’m expecting something similar after this weekend’s game against North Carolina.”
Mulroney’s face darkened as she added, muttering: “I don’t know what I’m capable of if I watch another screen pass sail into the fourth row.”
Notre Dame head football coach Brian Kelly urged calm from the agitated supporters.
“He experienced some foot soreness after the game, so we put him in a walking boot, which is fairly typical,” said Kelly. “Brandon’s a talented player and will adapt well to any modifications we have to make in the game plan, which will be conveyed in the usual manner of me screaming on the sidelines until my face turns purple and I’m forced to burn all of our timeouts five minutes into the third quarter. No amount of cameramen hit with stray throws will change that aspect of Notre Dame football.”
Kelly then excused himself while picking up a nine-iron, stating that he still needed to “teach Golson a lesson or two.”
Unconfirmed rumors have been circulating that Wimbush sustained the injury in a bar. This information, however, has not swayed fans in a sympathetic direction.
“As an RA, I am in no position to comment on any possible instances of underage drinking. Brandon is a junior and is not yet at the age of legal consumption. I would hope that all members of our student body, athlete or otherwise, follow the honor code set out under the guidelines of Du Lac and the legal code of St. Joseph County and of these United States,” said Pembroke. He then glanced around surreptitiously and continued, “but as a guy who knows a guy who knows shit, I can for sure state that anyone who sets foot in New Finnies had it coming.”