Breaking: Ohio State Has a Basketball Team
COLUMBUS, OH: At approximately 1:30 p.m. on Sunday, January 15 Buckeye Nation was given shocking news: The Ohio State University has a basketball team.
Basketball is the sport with an orange rounded object that is bounced throughout a gymnasium court and thrown into a hoop for point(s).
The sport is not football. But is apparently also played at Ohio State.
People took the news differently as news hit that the newly formed (we think) team beat a known team, Xichigan State University.
At a score of 72-67, the Buckeyes beat another team up north for the first time of the year (even though it doesn’t actually count until November).
This is not a high scoring game for basketball, because in this sport points are only 2 (two) and 1 (one). As in, one basket (ball thrown successfully in hoop) counts for two points most of the time. Sometimes, the ball is thrown at a line while others watch for one point.
Patrick Smith, a junior majoring in sports management was interviewed after the game finished right outside the Schottenstein center. “Oh, a game happened here? I thought our season ended January 1 when we got butt-fucked by Clemson,” he said.
Smith was informed of the new phenomenon that is basketball, and then stated, “oh, cool.”
Luckily, we found a spectator of basketball: Matt Jones. “I am honestly so stoked that the team showed up for once,” he said. “I’m glad people are finally noticing that there are more sports than just football to support here.”
As Smith continued to support another team that isn’t football, he was pelted with literal dog shit from passerbys.
He didn’t flinch, though. He reached down to his belt and pulled off a miniature windex spray as well as a pack of wet wipes.
“Happens a few times a month,” Smith said. “There’s this group of people around campus who are really scared that if the basketball team grows in popularity, the football team won’t be able to pay their players in under the table cars and chains.”
This group of people run the club “Not My Sport To Watch.”
The initiative is simple; these people feel that basketball doesn’t represent their values, especially in social aspects such as: freedom of speech, oppression and choice.
To fight basketball and its fans, they plan various marches to the stadium at random times in the day, because that works.
As Columbus realizes its variation in sports, we must lean on each other and support those who feel threatened or hurt by the news of a newer, orange-r sport.