OSU Men’s Basketball Team Found Responsible For Women’s Loss

author-pic at Ohio State University  

BREAKING NEWS:

COLUMBUS, OH- Ohio State’s Women’s Basketball team’s season came to a close last Friday, after a gut-wrenching loss to Notre Dame in the Sweet 16.

Many saw what appeared to be our glorious team play their heart’s out, yet outmatched by the opposition- even just barely.

However, a recent leak has revealed things may not have been how they initially seemed, with far more going on behind the scenes.

Thomas Marston, a third-year in finance and avid Buckeyes sports fan, claimed to have seen some of the players “removing their hair” as they entered the locker room. 

“Yeah, it was real weird. I was following them on their way out the game, hoping to get an autograph, when they just all started pulling off their hair like wigs or something. Oh, also one of them totally had a dick.”

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that said players were no “she” at all, but actually the Ohio State University’s men’s basketball team- in drag.

Upon hearing that the men’s team was involved in the game, the loss made a hell of a lot more sense to literally everybody. 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhh,” said the world. “No wonder. They looked like pussies out there. Played like complete girls.”

After not participating in this year’s March Madness, the men’s basketball team got desperate for another chance to prove themselves, finding the best way to do this being strategically replacing the female team with their own players in disguise.

A mildly questionable strategy, but who are we to judge (even though we completely are).

One player reportedly went as far as to get breast augmentation surgery to fully embrace his role.

“I’m in the process of getting a very real theater degree, and rule number one is to truly get into character. And this is the role of a lifetime!”

When asked if this was considered maybe a little too extreme, he responded with confidence, “No, I’ll get rid of them…” after a long silence, “in a week or two, that is.”

However committed to the bit these players were, the plan came up short as the Bucks faced a devastating loss.

Many of those who played in the Sweet 16 game are attributing the lack of performance to the restrictive nature of the women’s uniforms they were forced to wear, as well as being blinded by their new luscious locks.

When asked how they convinced the women to give up their role, the men report that being harder than playing the game itself.

Though refusing to go into details, it apparently was a very demeaning ordeal involving two industrial-sized truckloads of ostriches, and the promise of free swipes into Scott for the rest of the year.

Though not asked for a comment, Mike Pence still chose to offer his position on the matter- that being one of pure confusion.

“I ain’t know what to think. On one of my hands, sports is a men’s game. But on my other hand,” continuing after pausing and looking down to verify he still has two hands, “men dressing as women is my third biggest fear. Right after liberals and Bigfoot.”

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