Hazell Looks on in Contempt as Brohm Emerges as Marginally Better Football Coach

author-pic at Purdue University  

As football season steadily approaches, Boilermakers all around campus wait in anticipation for new head coach Jeff Brohm to prove himself better than the worst – former coach Darrell Hazell. And Hazell couldn’t be more pissed.

“All the dads on the Gold and Black fields used to shotgun beers for ME, man,” Hazell cries. “Can you imagine the heartburn those dusty old guys went through just to knock a couple back in the name of solidarity? Those were my boys. Now this asshole Brohm is cracking open a cold one with all of MY boys.”

It seems that Hazell still can’t let go of what were unmistakably the worst three years of Purdue football in history.

“Just build me a statue or something where no one can see it. I just want to make sure that the bed-wetting problem I developed from the stress of those three seasons doesn’t go unrecognized. I gave up my bladder control for that team,” Hazell cried.

Though Hazell still seems perplexed at the nature of his termination, the rest of Purdue’s campus couldn’t be happier with their team’s opportunity for a clean slate. Brohm’s response to Hazell’s agitation was simple.

“Our motivational locker room speech on game day is literally some rhyming nonsense about how much Hazell sucks,” Brohm claims. “It really gets everyone ready to tackle the shit out of the other team. I think that pretty much says it all.”

When asked to elaborate on the subject, Brittany Brown, sophomore member of Purdue’s Sigma Delta Croissant, weighed in.

“Honestly, I don’t really care about football, I’m just happy that tailgate season is starting so that Brad stops getting angry drunk at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday and whipping his dick out to assert his dominance or something.”  

Sources also claim that, because of Hazell’s outburst and his whiny 12-minute long voicemails to Mitch Daniels at 3 a.m., Purdue is working on the proposal of a new construction project – a statue depicting Darrell Hazell getting hit in the face with a football.

No matter what the status of Hazell and his statue, Boilermakers are rooting for the new coach to lead their team to victory. It’s time to show out for the first game of the season this Saturday as Purdue faces Louisville at Lucas Oil Stadium. And, even if all hell breaks loose, there is one up-side: Hazell is gone for good.