I-35 Wagon Pileup Delays Sooners Fans for Red River Showdown
DURANT, OK–Following a horrific wreck on the Texas-Oklahoma border, officials have had to shut down the southbound lanes of I-35 for the weekend after five wagons crashed into each other and blocked the road.
“This is a tragedy for everyone involved,” said Oklahoma governor, Mary Fallin. “Wagons are this state’s biggest form of transportation, so with the roads closed, we may have to just mosey on down to the game off-road, though it may take a month.”
This news comes just before the annual Texas-Oklahoma football matchup, commonly known as the Red River Showdown. On the rivalry’s founding, no Texas players wanted to step foot in Norman, since it would result in multiple lame-ass Friday nights. So, the rivalry was set in Dallas, where it has remained ever since. Despite having just lost to the second-worst team in the Big 12, Oklahoma fans had been confident they would win with the backing of the entire state.
“The plan was for all 40,000 of us to go down to the game,” explained Fallin as she spat out a big ol’ wad of Copenhagen. “But with so many of us now trapped, it looks like we’ll spend another weekend cow tipping or whatever the hell goes on around here.”
When reached for comment, OU student manager Festus Morrin said he became physically distraught after hearing the news.
“Well, I just couldn’t believe it. All these folks were going to miss the big game,” explained Morrin as he spat out a big ol’ wad of Kodiak Wintergreen. “I feel awful for them too, with them having to pay to repair the wagons. Nobody will have the money, what with everybody having to already pay for chewing tobacco and gambling the rest of their paychecks away.”
“Our state is a very tough one, and we will get through this,” stated Fallin. “President Trump will personally distribute packets of Skoal Longcut Straight and Natty Lite to everyone afflicted so that we can overcome this together.”
At press time, relief efforts were hindered further after eight tornadoes touched down and completely destroyed all the wagons of rescue crews.