6 Brands That Need Bowl Games

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

As the college football season starts to wrap up, many teams are fighting for a spot in one of the prestigious bowl games, such as the Sugar and Orange Bowls. Then, brands like Dollar General plaster their name next to many of the countless bowl games to get their name out there. Unfortunately, not all brands like Popeye’s have bowl games yet, so we urge the brands below to get themselves one as soon as possible. We even suggested names for them.

6.) Trojan Bowl (of Condoms):

It’s insane to think that Trojan has yet to sell their souls to the NCAA. They’re given out for free at every college’s health center and fraternity guys have countless stacks of unused Trojans in their rooms. Whoever wins this bowl game will receive a lifetime supply of condoms, as the players on the winning team will inevitably be having sex for a lifetime because of the huge win.

5.) Arby’s Diarrhea Bowl:

If you’re “thinkin’ Arby’s,” you’re usually thinkin’ wrong as that place will give you the shits. They’re a forgotten restaurant in the fast food industry run by McDonald’s and diabetes. A bowl game will get the brand back in the spotlight and people back to the toilet seats immediately.

4.) Keystone Lightweight Bowl:

Brands whose main consumers are college students shouldn’t kid themselves. They need to hop on the bowl game train and increase their revenue. The bowl will be for lightweights, as they’re the most likely to watch the game lying on the couch after they get a little tipsy.

3.) DayQuil/NyQuil Runny Nose Bowl:

Universities are germ-infested swamps, so Vicks DayQuil/NyQuil should get started on the Runny Nose Bowl. The game can be held in -40 below 0 weather in the frozen tundra in Minnesota, a normal day of the University of Minnesota, we assume. So you get a bowl of two below .500 football teams with runny noses and have them toss around the snot-soaked pigskin.

2.) Snuggie Post-Hookup Snuggle Bowl:

Snuggling after a hookup with that person you text at 3 a.m. is as silly as a Snuggie. That’s why this Snuggie Post-Hookup Snuggle Bowl is the perfect partnership because the idea of two crappy MAC conference teams playing each other for a pointless bowl is a waste of time for both parties. Isn’t hookup culture great?

1.) Facebook Slide In Your DMs Bowl:

Kids these days love the Facebook, according to the old White men executives that are in charge of marketing departments in corporations across America. Those old geezers have a point and should be taken seriously, as Facebook deserves a bowl game this year. The “Facebook Slide In Your DMs Bowl” will promote and encourage kids like us to keep sliding in the DMs of our fellow college students, because nothing is more flattering than a DM from that person you made out with at the bar.

You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?