Not-So Breaking News: UCLA Football Still Sucks, Mora Says

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Coming off a win against Colorado, UCLA was looking to pick up another at the University of Arizona and solidify themselves as a Pac-12 South powerhouse, but UCLA head coach Jim Mora had other plans. Instead of rolling through Phoenix with “fire and fury,” Mora and the Bruins decided to take another bye week and let the Bearcats just run by.

“UCLA makes us think of the world-renowned institution of higher learning that has found a way to bridge the gap between prestigious academics and strong sports,” Mora said in a press conference following the game. “Yet, when you tack on ‘football’ to the end of UCLA, I’m even starting to think it’s kind of a joke. We, ya know, kinda suck.” 

UCLA’s defense looked more abysmal than the job prospects of a classical arts major, welcoming every run U of A tried, sometimes with a pat on the back and a gold star from Mora himself, who ran out to field several times to do so. In four quarters, UCLA somehow managed to allow 457 yards from the line of scrimmage and four touchdowns— and that was just rushing.

“Yeah, we let up some rushing yards here and there, so what?” Mora said. “But, I bet you guys didn’t know U of A only threw 13 passes the entire game. 13 PASSES! That’s pretty damn good!” 

It was truly a team effort to lose the shit show of a game, Mora said, and while UCLA did nothing to stop the ball from crossing the goal line (nothing), the O-line was truly useless.

“Rosen got wrapped up five times, made 20 passes, had zero touchdowns, and gave U of A interceptions on a silver platter,” Mora said. “Now, I’m no statistician, and I don’t think a QBR of 20.1 is up to par with the rest of the Heisman candidates, but I guess they don’t call him ‘Chosen Rosen’ for nothing. Now that’s a catchy nickname!”

With midterms approaching, students time has never been more valuable, Mora said toward the end of his press conference. To save time for students to study instead of watch, Mora said he’ll make games more predictable and not worth watching by repeating performances like Saturday’s game against Arizona. 

“When you’re at UCLA, you’re family, and the best gift UCLA Football could give back to the Westwood community is the commitment to consistency,” Mora said. “The least we can do is continue to lose and disappoint.” 

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