UVa Frat Bros Brawl Over Bracket, Tear Fraternity Apart

author-pic at University of Virginia  

March Madness brings the joy of watching endless basketball and entering numerous different brackets in the hopes of winning some money from the schmucks who only watch basketball once a year. Unfortunately for the Hoos this time around, UVa lost to the Florida Gators. But, that’s not the only travesty that has happened here at UVa due to basketball, a popular fraternity has been torn apart.

“We are so confused,” said Tyler Snyder, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. “Troy and Chad were best friends just a week ago. They went everywhere together. Chad was even cool with it when Troy would puke on his Patagonia after a long night at Trin. How did this happen?”

Troy Baker and Chad Dinardo had been best friends since they were three. Both brothers decided to attend to UVa, apply to the commerce school, get rejected, and become economics majors all together. 

The source of the conflict was their March Madness brackets. “Look bruh, we go to UVa. Of course I had Virginia winning. That’s what a Hoo does. Chad belongs with Tech trash for his insult,” Troy cried.

“Why the fuck would I have UVa winning when I knew we wouldn’t?” Chad said. “Beer and Christian’s pizza were on the line, you can bet your life I had us losing this round! That’s like betting on whether or not a JMU student will show up already trashed, and ruin a party. The answer is always yes!”

In the past week the brothers of ASS only became more confused as the two former friends did horrible things to each other in the name of pride.

“On Saturday, Troy opened up Chad’s protein powder and filled it with a laxative. Chad couldn’t leave the toilet for three days,” Max Bolton, a mutual friend, confessed.

“It’s because he needed to know he was a piece of shit,” Troy proclaimed, explaining the basic literary tenants of  a metaphor that he could understand.

In retaliation, Chad allegedly hacked into Troy’s Virginia email and sent screenshots of Troy’s drunk Snapchats to all of Troy’s professors. “I plead the fourth,” Chad responded when asked about the act. “It’s plead the fifth, dummy, no wonder you’re on academic probation.” Troy interjected, almost leading to another fistfight.

“It’s a real shame, but we had to kick the two brothers out of the fraternity,” said ASS brother, Nathan Myers. “We represent love for our fellow man. Not hate. Frat circle jerks just aren’t as much fun when two people hate each other.”

As further punishment for their lack of brotherhood, Troy and Chad were forced to return their monogramed Nike sneakers and are banned from showing their faces on the Corner after midnight. 

“If any lesson can be taken from this, it’s that people should fill out their March Madness brackets responsibly,” concluded Troy. “If you go to UVa, say UVa will win. It’s that simple.” 

The fraternity  will be accepting any, and all, well wishes that hot girls in crop-tops give them. They say other well wishes are welcome too, but only in the form of money. They don’t want to see anyone else’s midriff.

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