Greg Gard Sacrifices Brevin Pritzl in Attempt to End Losing Streak

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In the wake of Sunday’s loss to Northwestern, Greg Gard reflected on the season and their prospects for the remaining games. “It was a tough loss. You never want to drop a game within your conference, but we’ve been working to fix some things in practice and we’ll come out this week with a new game plan,” Gard told The Black Sheep with a maniacal grin on his face.

Gard, who was tapped by Bo Ryan to be his successor last season, has implemented many of Ryan’s signature coaching techniques; he plays the percentages, whatever will give Wisconsin the best chance to win. Limit the fouls, nothing flashy, and most importantly, have a big white dude on the court at all times.

Gard’s commitment to winning was put on full display during his Monday press conference in which he gave the media an injury report on the team.

“…Bronson was limited in practice the other day, but he should be good to go. That’s about it I think…Oh wait, that’s right – yesterday I, along with Barry Alvarez, sacrificed Brevin Pritzl to the basketball gods,” said Gard, happily. “Yeah, I mean it was really a no-brainer. I don’t want this last loss to start a trend or anything, better catch this one before it gets out of hand you know? I figure since he’s played so well the last few games, now was really the perfect time to do it, while his stock was high. I think that is the best way to ensure a plentiful basketball harvest from the gods.”

Gard went on to describe, with gory details, the sacrificial process. We will save you the specifics, but Gard’s ceremony used a large stone altar and a wooden stake. Reportedly, Gard was heard chanting mostly in Latin, while occasional mumblings of “Frank” and “Dekker,” were also heard.

“And please give Nigel the strength to take as few perimeter shots as possible, Amen,” Gard said, concluding the ritual.

Whether or not sacrificing Pritzl is against our code of ethics or if it will cost us our contract with Under Armour, we’re just hoping we’re taking steps in the direction towards winning. If not, hey, I’m sure Gard’s heart was in the right place, and the sacrifice was for a good cause: for the sake of basketball. (And maybe with Pritzl’s absence we’ll see Andy van Vliet on the court more).

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