The pain of waking up with a raging headache, and what’s that? Vomit outside the bathroom? Outstanding. That sixth shot of vodka and suspicious beer from the frat doesn’t feel like such a good decision anymore. What’s a better remedy than piping-hot pizza from Shaw?
10.) The Noise:
Who allowed talking to be a thing? Can’t people see the look of squinty pain written all over your green, slack-jawed face?
9.) The Food:
While the sausage pizza in Sadler seemed like a smart move walking in, getting a whiff of that processed cheese on the verge of curdling… kind of curbs all appetite for the greasy food.
8.) The People Who Didn’t Go Out Last Night:
These people think they’re so cool with their energy and appetite, but it was you who did the keg stand last night, not them. Who’s really cool here? Besides, you’re now a frontrunner for Sig Chi, so check it off the list.
7.) The People Who Did Go Out Last Night:
Neighboring zombies give you a head nod as they tote their empty plates around the hall trying to find something that won’t cause them to projectile vomit. Although, the previous night they had ZERO qualms about peeing on the Life Science Complex stairs.
6.) The Staff:
If anything, they look more hungover than you do, not to mention that one guy who just wiped the drink counter for the sixth time at Ernie Davis. You know the one.
5.) The Box Hoarder:
A rare sighting in the Brockway Dining Hall: the extremely hungover. The BBBHIJKers who don’t care enough about their digestive system grab a box, stale fries, limp spinach and get the hell out.
4.) The Sleeper:
You’ll catch them in the Graham Dining Hall corner, head in the crook of their arm trying to get enough energy to move again, (PSA: this might be us) their empty mug of coffee is only just an aid for the vodka shits that’ll be coming in three, two, one…
3.) That Group of Guys:
They desperately want everyone to know that it was them who scrawled “Send Nudes” in the snow on Lawrinson’s lawn.
2.) The Walk of Shamers:
You’ll catch them sneaking in as quickly as possible, clothes wrinkled and makeup-smeared. Their under-eye bags are nearly as dark as your SU sweatpants, and your SU hoodie, and your SU beanie… you must be a freshman.
1.) The Still-Drunks:
These are usually the freshman frat rushers, the guy named John who must rush Psi U because he’s a got a crush on some sorority chick. Eyes are severely unfocused as they stumble around, dying to get their hands on the breadsticks in Ernie.