From: Kelli Barnhouse
To: One fucked senior
Subject line: Urgent **GRADUATION**
We have some troubling news regarding your graduation status. It seems that when you came in at the beginning of the semester and we told you that you were all set to graduate … we were wrong. You are actually one credit below the 122 you need to graduate.
We realize that graduation is three weeks away and that your family probably already paid $2,000 to stay in a hotel 45 minutes away from campus for two days in order to see you get your diploma, but I’m afraid that we can’t make an exception. Rules are rules. If you would like to come speak to me you, I will be in my office from 10-10:05 a.m. on Monday. Those are my only office hours.
You will have to pay fall tuition in order to attend a once-a-week PED class that will ultimately fulfill your credits. I highly suggest the Zumba class.
We are still willing to let you walk despite you not actually graduating because we aren’t complete dicks. You can pretend you’re like everyone else who is graduating and wear a cap and gown, but just know that there will be no diploma for you and you ultimately failed to graduate in four years like the rest of your peers.
Again, we are very sorry for this inconvenience. I seemed to have done the math wrong when I was adding up your credits at the beginning of the semester. A good reminder to always check your work! Despite the fact that you are going to be a major disappointment to yourself, your friends, and your parents who thought they were finally finished paying for your tuition, you get to spend another wonderful semester in Syracuse, New York while the rest of your grade moves on and become rich and successful.
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